What follows in these tales from My life is a story I need to write. A story of life and drama that I long to write down. Not only for myself, but also as a reminder of things gone by. It is a story of forming and shaping and intrigue . But primarily it is a story about hope. If you choose to tread these pages with me, do so with reverence and kindness because one does not write these things lightly. If you are one who has the need to flirt a little with being nosy then perhaps you should pass by this story. For it is true and full. It needs not your judgment nor your advice. But if you want to read on, then read it as a novel should be read. For it is but just one story among many.
The Battle of the Bulge as Chaos reigns
This morning, when I looked outside, the night sky was still with us in all its glory. I was surprised to find that I could see a few stars because from the warmth of my bed earlier, I could hear the rush of the wind as the traditional Cape Stormy winter weather bashed and lashed at the windows.
Outside there is chaos but inside our home it is warm, calm, quiet and cosy.
This is the way I would like to be.
Though the storms of life buffet and bash me about, I long to stand firm in the chaos.
In reality there is quite a different game in play.
Chaos reigns inside me.
As I unpeeled the layers of myself, as one would an onion, I have come face to face with this present reality.
Chaos rules inside.
Don't get me wrong, I realise that this state of play needs to change but I am also willing to admit that perhaps this is a life long struggle and a trial I will have to face on a daily basis.
The reason for the chaos I well know and the solution is clear but the journey is difficult and torturous.
I long for inner stillness and rest. It is into this inner, deep place that God pours out his love and where he molds and shapes in all kindness and gentleness.
and so I press on knowing that the God who saved me is indeed at work in me.
Practically I can put His word into practice.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and
petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the
peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts
and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true,
whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is
lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or
praiseworthy -- think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or
received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put it into practice. And
the God of peace will be with you." (NIV) Philipians4:6-9
I began by writing about chaos and have ended up writing about God at work in me for my good and for his glory. It is indeed where I continue to trust and walk by faith.It is the journey of the christian.
*
Thoughts on the battle of the bulge.
I began to struggle with my weight as I entered puberty. In a very real and visual way I was building layers between myself and my inner turmoil and the world out there. I had no way of sifting through and sorting out the inner mess I was in partly because of my age but also my circumstances. As our first son enters Puberty, I have been reading about adolescence.
One of the things I am struck by is the very real fears and uncertainty with which teens experience life. One of the things that excites me is that with knowledge comes power. Some very wise and helpful people have written some helpful and real stuff for teens. So in a real way they too can be prepared for what lies ahead.
That was not true in my case and so I marched forward into the teen years with a very deep and troubled inner soul but a hard exterior and without any way of making sense of the mess I was in.
Food became my very real friend and companion but at the same time my greatest enemy. I have had to work at controlling it rather than have it control me.
Now, in my 40's, the battle of the bulge still haunts me. From time to time it consumes me :) and I find myself out of control with food but for the most part I think my relathionship with food is steady. According to my culture I am probably over weight but according to my husband , he likes me the way I am.
These struggles are the outward manifestation of a traumatic and damaged childhood experience.
I have made peace with this truth and press on, step by step with Jesus' very real help.
No comments:
Post a Comment