The past is ever present - Parallel parenting

For some time now I have been in counseling.  Not because I am nuts or even depressed but simply because life sometimes takes us on journeys that leave a mark.  It is a very courageous thing step out and get professional help. Indeed a sign of strength in the moment of weakness and wisdom in the midst of inner chaos. 

 Sometimes the marks left by life can also leave  deep wounds that when left untended, they fester and though they might appear to scab over, beneath the surface they never really heal.
 I know that as I write this I am making myself vulnerable but I really hope that someone who needs to read this post might be encouraged to seek help.  The counselor I have been seeing is a christian man. Both these things have been significant for me. Because he is a believer we can really talk about God and who he is. We are able to meet and then walk on together with the same world view. This was important to me because a lot of my "stuff" has to do with wrong thinking Jesus is in the business of renewing our thinking. What better place than to start with HIM.
 The first important step in choosing a councilor is to find someone you like and who you are able to trust . You will be sharing some deep stuff with the person and so take some time to choose well. There are unfortunately some bad councilors out there so word of mouth is probably a good starting point.

I have learnt so much about myself  about others and it has been a very safe space to explore and where God has worked to heal and reveal :)

One of the things that has become glaringly obvious is that the past is alive and well in the present. By this I mean that the events and occurrences ; healthy and unhealthy that shaped our childhood are the very things that walk side by side with us as adults.  Some of those things are good and right and lovely but often some of those things are not. We may try an hide or bury these things but they somehow find their own feet and rise up and find a place in today.

One of the areas where this becomes real is as we parent. In fact the very act of parenting our own children often is a trigger for those very deep emotional woulds from the past. These childhood things in our lives may cause us to react to our own children in either a healthy or unhealthy way. I have come to realise that I do many things with my kids because of my childhood. I might value a certain strength or create a certain space for something because in my childhood this very thing was either an issue for me  not valued or the like.

Lets take food as an example. When I grew up my family had very little money. We never went without because my very generous grand parents helped us enormously. We also had food on the table but because of financial constraints we ate quite similar foods stuff and there was no room for luxuries like cakes or sweets etc. As a result one of the things I do as an adult is horde food. I hate my fridge or cupboards not having that item that I might need. A can of tomatoes of a slab of cheese. The past is present.

Similarly we ate a lot of mince. It was cheap in the late 60's and early 70's and it was a good source of protein. As a result I grew a very keen dislike to red meat and mince in particular. I became a non - meat eater in my late teens and am still one today. The past is present.

One of my key issues in life is a sense of safety. There were many reasons that my childhood did not foster a deep place of security and safety  but what that means is that in adulthood I struggle with feeling safe. I struggle to hold onto that safety that good relationships foster. So when our 3rd son began life, from the pregnancy until he walked, his life was seeped in anxiety over all sorts of issues not least that he followed a miscarriage and his very pregnancy was threatened throughout the first trimester.. He grew up with his feet firmly planted in me being anxious. It is so interesting to see now that he has an issue with feeling anxious.   We are working with him and getting help - see post on where fear rules .But what has become clear is that because my childhood was so "unsafe" It has been very important to make sure this little lad of ours is safe.  There are many consequences that have unfolded for me around this. Some are ok and others need to shift. With God's real help we press on.The past is present.

The opportunity to get some real , professional help has created a space for God to work in me. He is changing me and healing me along the way. The past is present but in a very healthy way I am able to look at it and say - hello old friend.- By acknowledging the past and seeking to recognise it in the present I am able to really move forward in freedom. Healthy God working healing.

I am not the same person I was when I stepped through those very scary council ling doors.  Indeed, I am becoming the woman God is growing me into.

God you are indeed an awesome God
You care about the smallest among us
you shape me and heal me
I are never alone
you are my safety
Oh lord
Thank you.

Claming back - being an intentional parent.

I have really enjoyed being a parent . I know we are only part way in and have some years yet to navigate, but so far, it has been a very, very good experience. As we begin to row through the teenage years , I already hear some of you saying, " just wait and see" or " these are the tough years" etc etc. To be completely honest I some hopeful expectations and so fears but by enlarge I am looking forward to traveling these years with our sons. I am not naive enough to think that there might be bumps ahead, and some of these may be little while others may be huge.One thing I am certain of, Doug and I are determined to continue to build strong relationships with each boy and we are going to try and be intentional.

The way my brain works is that I really dont like entering into something without at least having some idea of the terrain ahead. So we begin to go to the odd talk on teenagers or teens and technology and the like. I  begin to search for books and web sites with some good info. I begin to chat to others who have forged ahead of us.

One of the gems I have gleaned in this search is the idea of " being intentional". Being intentional has a very positive and thoughtful kind of active ring to it. In practice it means that we try and think through particular situations and ideas  with regards to parenting our boys , ideally before they happen, and then we try and do what we have decided. This way of parenting puts aside what we might feel in the moment or / and the way we were parented as a model for action. Being purposeful about parenting and indeed all relationships, creates a framework of goals around which to work with a child. It means thinking through what we want to achieve with our parenting and it means we need to work hard at being a parent.  It frees us up to think through what is good for our family and for each child , given our specific circumstances. Being intentional helps us not to look at others and set what they are doing with their kids as the bar but it encourages us to gather ideas - yes - but chuck out the ones that dont fit us and also come up with some good ideas on our own. We have Gods word and his spirit to help us be wise.

This is the fun part!!

There are so many examples of this but I think the most challenging for me and the most fun in many ways is in the area of expressing emotions and feelings. My experience of being listened to or really heard, really understood while gowning, up was not a good example. Having 4 boys brings with it some very particular challenges in this area. Boys seem to tune their feelings button right down to nearly off. This does not mean that they dont feel. Quite the opposite. I think like all children boys feel things very deeply. Perhaps they struggle to make sense of their feelings and they definitely seem to struggle to share them in a healthy and appropriate way. What we have found is that as they get older their ability and desire to express what they experience including their very deep feelings becomes increasingly difficult.

So with this in mind we were so blessed to attend our church's family day. The were offering many different electives on parenting and Doug and I dived at the one on teenage drift. It was inspiring and helpful and enormously encouraging on every level but one of the ideas that stood out the most relates to being intentional about helping our kids to express their feelings.  This family decided to have regular meetings. The meetings had a set purpose and some firm boundaries. The ideas here is for each member of the family to express firstly what he does not like about something - I dont like it when you take my stuff without asking. and then in part two they had an opportunity to say things they admired about each other -  I like it when you read to me ever night.

Doug and I loved this idea and are set to implement it in our home. In fact when we mentioned it to our boys 2 of them immediately without hesitation,  told us two things they did not like . The thing here is that kids have their feelings and what tends to happen especially in teenagers, is that they push those feelings way down and bottle them up. We liked this idea because it helped the children to share in a safe place and in a healthy way as well as teaching good skills like expressing oneself and of course listening so as to really hear.

I guess being intentional in relationships really speaks to my heart. It is about thinking about how to love someone else in a healthy and real way. it is what Jesus did for us when he came to die. He came purposefully into the world to save sinners like me and like you. I love being intentional with my kids  and it is definitely and area I am growing in and thinking through. Is it not great that we can continue to grow and learn with our kids.