Claming back - being an intentional parent.

I have really enjoyed being a parent . I know we are only part way in and have some years yet to navigate, but so far, it has been a very, very good experience. As we begin to row through the teenage years , I already hear some of you saying, " just wait and see" or " these are the tough years" etc etc. To be completely honest I some hopeful expectations and so fears but by enlarge I am looking forward to traveling these years with our sons. I am not naive enough to think that there might be bumps ahead, and some of these may be little while others may be huge.One thing I am certain of, Doug and I are determined to continue to build strong relationships with each boy and we are going to try and be intentional.

The way my brain works is that I really dont like entering into something without at least having some idea of the terrain ahead. So we begin to go to the odd talk on teenagers or teens and technology and the like. I  begin to search for books and web sites with some good info. I begin to chat to others who have forged ahead of us.

One of the gems I have gleaned in this search is the idea of " being intentional". Being intentional has a very positive and thoughtful kind of active ring to it. In practice it means that we try and think through particular situations and ideas  with regards to parenting our boys , ideally before they happen, and then we try and do what we have decided. This way of parenting puts aside what we might feel in the moment or / and the way we were parented as a model for action. Being purposeful about parenting and indeed all relationships, creates a framework of goals around which to work with a child. It means thinking through what we want to achieve with our parenting and it means we need to work hard at being a parent.  It frees us up to think through what is good for our family and for each child , given our specific circumstances. Being intentional helps us not to look at others and set what they are doing with their kids as the bar but it encourages us to gather ideas - yes - but chuck out the ones that dont fit us and also come up with some good ideas on our own. We have Gods word and his spirit to help us be wise.

This is the fun part!!

There are so many examples of this but I think the most challenging for me and the most fun in many ways is in the area of expressing emotions and feelings. My experience of being listened to or really heard, really understood while gowning, up was not a good example. Having 4 boys brings with it some very particular challenges in this area. Boys seem to tune their feelings button right down to nearly off. This does not mean that they dont feel. Quite the opposite. I think like all children boys feel things very deeply. Perhaps they struggle to make sense of their feelings and they definitely seem to struggle to share them in a healthy and appropriate way. What we have found is that as they get older their ability and desire to express what they experience including their very deep feelings becomes increasingly difficult.

So with this in mind we were so blessed to attend our church's family day. The were offering many different electives on parenting and Doug and I dived at the one on teenage drift. It was inspiring and helpful and enormously encouraging on every level but one of the ideas that stood out the most relates to being intentional about helping our kids to express their feelings.  This family decided to have regular meetings. The meetings had a set purpose and some firm boundaries. The ideas here is for each member of the family to express firstly what he does not like about something - I dont like it when you take my stuff without asking. and then in part two they had an opportunity to say things they admired about each other -  I like it when you read to me ever night.

Doug and I loved this idea and are set to implement it in our home. In fact when we mentioned it to our boys 2 of them immediately without hesitation,  told us two things they did not like . The thing here is that kids have their feelings and what tends to happen especially in teenagers, is that they push those feelings way down and bottle them up. We liked this idea because it helped the children to share in a safe place and in a healthy way as well as teaching good skills like expressing oneself and of course listening so as to really hear.

I guess being intentional in relationships really speaks to my heart. It is about thinking about how to love someone else in a healthy and real way. it is what Jesus did for us when he came to die. He came purposefully into the world to save sinners like me and like you. I love being intentional with my kids  and it is definitely and area I am growing in and thinking through. Is it not great that we can continue to grow and learn with our kids.