Sometimes the marks left by life can also leave deep wounds that when left untended, they fester and though they might appear to scab over, beneath the surface they never really heal.
I know that as I write this I am making myself vulnerable but I really hope that someone who needs to read this post might be encouraged to seek help. The counselor I have been seeing is a christian man. Both these things have been significant for me. Because he is a believer we can really talk about God and who he is. We are able to meet and then walk on together with the same world view. This was important to me because a lot of my "stuff" has to do with wrong thinking Jesus is in the business of renewing our thinking. What better place than to start with HIM.
The first important step in choosing a councilor is to find someone you like and who you are able to trust . You will be sharing some deep stuff with the person and so take some time to choose well. There are unfortunately some bad councilors out there so word of mouth is probably a good starting point.
I have learnt so much about myself about others and it has been a very safe space to explore and where God has worked to heal and reveal :)
One of the things that has become glaringly obvious is that the past is alive and well in the present. By this I mean that the events and occurrences ; healthy and unhealthy that shaped our childhood are the very things that walk side by side with us as adults. Some of those things are good and right and lovely but often some of those things are not. We may try an hide or bury these things but they somehow find their own feet and rise up and find a place in today.
One of the areas where this becomes real is as we parent. In fact the very act of parenting our own children often is a trigger for those very deep emotional woulds from the past. These childhood things in our lives may cause us to react to our own children in either a healthy or unhealthy way. I have come to realise that I do many things with my kids because of my childhood. I might value a certain strength or create a certain space for something because in my childhood this very thing was either an issue for me not valued or the like.
Lets take food as an example. When I grew up my family had very little money. We never went without because my very generous grand parents helped us enormously. We also had food on the table but because of financial constraints we ate quite similar foods stuff and there was no room for luxuries like cakes or sweets etc. As a result one of the things I do as an adult is horde food. I hate my fridge or cupboards not having that item that I might need. A can of tomatoes of a slab of cheese. The past is present.
Similarly we ate a lot of mince. It was cheap in the late 60's and early 70's and it was a good source of protein. As a result I grew a very keen dislike to red meat and mince in particular. I became a non - meat eater in my late teens and am still one today. The past is present.
One of my key issues in life is a sense of safety. There were many reasons that my childhood did not foster a deep place of security and safety but what that means is that in adulthood I struggle with feeling safe. I struggle to hold onto that safety that good relationships foster. So when our 3rd son began life, from the pregnancy until he walked, his life was seeped in anxiety over all sorts of issues not least that he followed a miscarriage and his very pregnancy was threatened throughout the first trimester.. He grew up with his feet firmly planted in me being anxious. It is so interesting to see now that he has an issue with feeling anxious. We are working with him and getting help - see post on where fear rules .But what has become clear is that because my childhood was so "unsafe" It has been very important to make sure this little lad of ours is safe. There are many consequences that have unfolded for me around this. Some are ok and others need to shift. With God's real help we press on.The past is present.
The opportunity to get some real , professional help has created a space for God to work in me. He is changing me and healing me along the way. The past is present but in a very healthy way I am able to look at it and say - hello old friend.- By acknowledging the past and seeking to recognise it in the present I am able to really move forward in freedom. Healthy God working healing.
I am not the same person I was when I stepped through those very scary council ling doors. Indeed, I am becoming the woman God is growing me into.
God you are indeed an awesome God
You care about the smallest among us
you shape me and heal me
I are never alone
you are my safety
Oh lord
Thank you.
You have shared some deep things. Thank you for that. May our Father continue to work in us all so that He becomes our security and not the things of this world.
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