A day in the life- part 24 - Do I have ADHD?

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Are you asking the question………

Am I ADHD? Is my child ADHD?

If after reading some of these posts you are more certain that ADHD is the obvious conclusion, well then, what do you do.

What is the next course of action?

You like countless others might have already tried Omega and diet. You might have tried OT and other therapies. Some will have helped and yet if ADHD is at the heart of the issue, eventually you might be confronted with the reality that nothing really worked well. We tried some of these including Chinese calming meds to help sleep.

It is all part of the ADHD journey.

But now you are facing the real tough decision.

Should I see a specialist?

Perhaps you are wondering if these specialists simply just diagnose ADHD in all children and dish out medication like sweets. You are probably petrified. Please can I encourage you. These specialists are invaluable in helping you come to a good conclusion around ADHD as a diagnosis. They have experience and knowledge on their side. They are able to cut through all the confusion and get to the heart of it all.

They see things that you do not see and can not know.

They are available to walk this journey with you and your family. In a way, a relationship is formed. We have found it helpful to find the doctor we like and stick with her. She is building up an essential history of the child.

We have tried several professionals in the area of children and learning and ADHD.

If they ALL say the same thing and all point to ADHD then I would suggest that this is the real diagnoses.

I actually think by the time you reach this point you are pretty desperate for help.

We see a pediatric neurologist. We also had an educational psychologist assess both our boys.

Both are great. Both deal with us as a family.

They ask good questions and the right kind of question.

All of this is costly financially BUT we have found it to be money well spent.

Some people go straight to their pediatrician or GP.

There are many routes to help.

Contrary to some popular thinking, doctors do not just hand out medication unless they think it is necessary.

Ritalin and they like are schedule 6 drugs in SA. A new script is written every month by the doctor.

Similarly, schools and teachers do not simply suggest that children go on medication. I have yet to meet a teacher who would ‘ put ‘ a child on Ritalin, which is something I hear again and again. I kid you not. 

So…….

A trial run of medication might be suggested by a doctor as a first course of action.

There are many different brands and ways that methylphenidate works.

Some may be the fast acting – in and out the system one. Others may have a mechanism in the tablet that allows the meds to be released slowly throughout the day over time.

You will find the right one that works for you and your family.

Give it a trial.

It could transform your child’s ability to be available to learn at school and it may help his ability self –regulate and so some peace may reign in the home.

The best way to find a good specialist is by word of mouth.

Ask around. Ask at school.

In addition to this you might want to begin attending your local ADHD support group. These groups often have excellent quest speakers who will help in the education on different aspects of ADHD and also keep you up to date with latest information.

You might want to start your own support group.

Meeting up with other moms who had ADHD children has been helpful for us all.

Read, read and read up about ADHD.

Can I encourage you to read helpful stuff and to avoid the real controversy? It will confuse and cloud the issues.

Coming to terms with ADHD is a journey for us all. It is so very scary to be confronted by being different in one and even more difficult when it is our children.

May I encourage you to travel this journey as slowly as you need to? Getting help and support and equipping yourself with knowledge will help you and your family.

In some ways having the ADHD diagnoses is very liberating. For us it helped us to adjust our expectations and form more realistic ones. This has been helpful for us all.

Finding out how to approach the how’s and what’s of the ADHD brain has been invaluable in helping us parent more effectively and in helping our boys learn and flourish.

Remember that you are being given the keys to unlock your ADHD and all its uniqueness.

Bless you as you travel this road.

 

A day in the life- part 23- Right School, Right Teacher.

Most parents want the best for their child.

Most parents of ADHD children wrestle, at some point, with thoughts around, 

'is this the right school for my child?' and /or

'is this the right teacher?'

I think what lies behind these thoughts are actually a whole lot of other questions and deep worries around ADHD children and learning - flourishing - being available for learning and being helped while learning

I have spoken about these in some of the other posts on ADHD..

There is no perfect school or schooling system. 

.I state the obvious but I think sometimes we need to be reminded of this.

There are better learning environments for children. Some that suit children more than others. Some that work some things better. But no one system offers EVERYTHING and is therefore better than another.

I have friends who have ADHD children who have made a variety of decisions around schooling. These range from homeschooling through to schools that focus and build up children who are ADHD offering small classes and focused help and through traditional schools. Some kids have facilitators for a time. Some are home schooled for a time. There is so much to choose from . So many choices. ALL are valid and All work in different ways. 

What every you might choose for your child and especially your ADHD child needs very careful thought.

I say this because I often hear people slating the SYSTEM as the thing that is not working. While, in part, this might be true for a child, it is not totally true when ADHD concerned.

 

Why do I say this.

it is not the system that has caused the ADHD. The child may swap systems but the child will take himself with himself, along to the new system. 

 

Some ADHD children require support with learning. Occupational Therapy , speech therapy and or remedial work might be offered and used to support the child. Shifting systems might note remove the need for some or all of these helpful interventions. 

ADHD children often struggle with learning to learn.

They need professional, one on one, help.

Some think that if only I can ........ then I wont need medication for my child. This might very well NOT be true either.

 

Choosing the right school for the child is both personal and a big decision. 

Help is at hand no matter what the choice.

Some systems work better for some children.

There is no rule

ADHD children take there ADHD with them , wherever they may go.

some need help by professionals what ever you might choose.

 

The Right School  System is not the right schooling system for all ADHD children and families.

WE are free to choose. Is this not great!!

The Right Teacher.

Some teachers are better at their work than others. Some are more in tune with issues around ADHD than others. Some are willing to learn and others are not. 

I often salute teachers in my posts. I know how dedicated they are and mostly, how hard they work.

We have had 7 years at one school and many teachers along the way. I just love that a whole lot of different people get to share in my children and their learning. The richness that has come from this has been great. They draw out some great things- some hidden things - some things that we are trying out , from quite a different angle. 

Are there times that are not great?

Of course. 

Teachers are not perfect.

Not all teachers are a right fit for all kids and parents.

Not all teachers are nice all the time. 

BUT......

As a Christan I experience God, even in the  choice  of teacher  for my child.

I depend on him. It is totally out mf my control. But he knows, he cares and he is at work.

This does not mean that God gives us the teacher we want or think is right for our children.

We ask and boy do I ask but sometimes the answer has been unexpected and different and sometimes the answer has been NO.

This was our experience this year. I thought I new better and that this one teacher would be simply the very worst thing for my dear little ADHD son. I prayed and begged God. But he had quite a different plan.

And so we got her. 

There is other thing wrong with her actually. 

I just thought she would not suit him and I would not suit her.

The first 3 quarters of this year have been like being on a wild and scary roller coaster with no one in control. I know that is not true but it has been a very difficult settling and learning journey with him and with her.

So, was I right and God wrong. 

Over these last 2 weeks I have learned again the lesson that God is at work in ALL things for my good and for his Glory. It has not been perfect nor has it been easy and fun but it has been an enormous blessing in so many ways for me, for him and for her.

We have all learned and grown. 

I have learned to press on; to tackle difficult issues with teachers and practice being calm and kind when I felt like yelling. 

I have learned to pray more and depend on God more. 

Having a very strict and controlling teacher that did not really suit our son. meant that his issues came out eventually and they are obvious to her, now. She sees what we see  and because she is who she is the obvious ADHD traits have helped us make a diagnoses early- with clarity and certainty. We do  not wanting to make a mistake here.

I have been reminded of my sin and my need of forgiveness.

Our son has learnt so much. Some has been very, very difficult and painful. He has learnt about himself; about others and mostly about Jesus. He can explain, in his own 7 year old way, all about struggles and relying on God. He has experienced us praying for him and for his day and his teacher. 

He has learnt to trust us as we have come around him with help and support. 

Mostly I think she might have learnt. It has not been easy for her having me on the other side. It is never easy for a teacher to have a concerned, afraid and at times angry mother to deal with. 

She has stepped up to the plate.

She is also experience that medication is indeed a real, real real help. I just want to shout this today. Our son is transformed. He is switched on. It is one of the most exciting things to experience.

And she is experiencing it too. 

Surprise and joy is on her face too.

So, the teacher may not be right . He or she will not be perfect.

 But all that is ok.

This world is not perfect.

God is at work in us and for us.

Sometime the not so right teacher is a catalyst for good change!

It is an opportunity for faith in Jesus to grow and strengthen.

Perhaps even to be found for the very first time.

 

A day in the life- Part 22- Positive ADHD

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I can not tell you how many people have found these posts on ADHD helpful. I am thrilled that this is the case. Educating others about ADHD- what it is, how it impacts the family and the child and what help there is available , is something very much on my heart. Not only because we are a family with ADHD but because I meet countless others walking this journey, who long to share, learn and encourage.

One of the voices for ADHD is a man called Edward Hallowel. He is ADHD and writes a great deal on it.

 Books like

* Driven to Distraction

* Delivered from Distraction

* Super parenting for ADD

and more 

I find his blog and the ADDitude site on line very  helpful indeed. One of the things I love about his perspective is that it is  and aims to be 

POSITIVE.

So much of what one reads and experiences seems to be about the struggles, and there are struggles. But, sometimes we ge tso caught up in the struggles that we forget all the positive things that ADHD brings. Sometimes it means a shift in perspective. Mostly it requires a shift in expectations. 

Realistic expectations will vary from child to child and from family to family. We have found that trying to squeeze our kids into a mould that just does not fit is the more difficult route to navigate. 

Sometimes it takes tough decisions.

In Super-parenting ADD , Hallowel has many helful ideas and shifts in the way we think about ADHD. 

He begins the book with a chapter on 

LOVE. 

It is a compelling and powerful chapter. 

It is encouraging, reassuring and challenging. I loved reading it. It gave me a big vision again. 

Here is one sentence from it.

" Those are not just pretty words. They define what matters most in raising children, especially those who have the fascinating, widely misunderstood trait called ADD.These kids Particularly need someone who can perceive and draw out what is wonderful in them" - Edward Hallowel. 

Can you spot the positive and the real shift in looking at the ADHD child. 

He talks in another chapter  about mirror traits. I loved this idea. It is the idea that every negative ADHD trait has a positive mirror trait. So we recognise the negative but work on shifting and drawing out or focussing on the positive. 

Here are some of the examples....

* Distractible -------- curious

* impulsive ------- creative

*Hyperactive and restless-------energetic

*Stubborn ---- persistent and will not give up

* ca not stay on the point ------ can see connections that others do not. 

There are more.....

I think that human nature tends towards the negative. I love these mirror traits because they are real, alive and bring out some very good stuff in and for our kids. 

For me as a mom of ADHD boys this means I need to shift they way I think and they way I speak about ADD stuff. We joke a lot at cry a lot. We are honest and up front but hugely try and use positive words. 

I often say, " remember that your brain works differently. it thinks in a different way."

Or I have to practice seeing the positive traits and not just the negative.

Hallowel and many like him are embracing ADHD and not only embracing it but shifting the predominatly negative view on it . Thank you!!

In our family we are trying this too and embracing ADHD with all its ups and downs and with all its fun and sparkle. Did you know that ADHD children and adults are often very bright. They think out of the box and have marvelous ways of seeing the world and solving problems. They are sponteneous and take risks perhaps I would not. My husband often jokes that it was because of the trait ADD that man survived wild animals . Round the camp fire pre- historic man relied on the ADD, spontaneous risk taker to jump up and stand firm as an animal came in for the kill.  The rest of us just cowered in fear. 

I have seen this many times with my husband in those sorts of situations. 

Having said all this, in SA, a negative stigma is still lingering around ADHD and things ADHD. While I respect that it is an individual choice to reveal ADD, I do wonder if parents choosing not too is still because we view it as something bad; other and wierd. 

Just plainly something wrong. 

Yes, something does work differently in the brain.

Something might even be wrong but that does not make the child less.

I think we, as humankind really struggle with being broken.Having stuff 'wrong' with us means somehow we are less special; less important; have less status.

We can not shine if we are less.

Perhaps a shift is needed in the way we view people in general. We are all special and unique and valuable to some other person at least; a family at most but primarily we are all, each one of us made in God's image. That raise the bar on what value we have as people. Every person on this earth, nomatter who we are or what we are - no matter all the things we can do and all the things we can not, are a treasure because of WHO made us and because of HIS stamp on us. 

Labeling and owning ADHD is a complicated issue. It is a personal issue. But because we called to live and work and thrive in relathionship, it is an issue that flows out into all aspects of life. We do not want children to be stigmitised and alienated by their ADD but we surely want the right kind of help, understanding and support which in a sence can only be given when a diagnoses is made and the ADHD 'label' is attached.

It is all about what we DO with the label. 

How we view ADHD is all part and parcel of wht we do with it. 

I firmly believe that embracing ADHD in a positive way will be helpful not harmful. 

My deep hope is that as more is learnt about ADHD and the more people who are ADHD embrace it, the more we will all understand it and it will loose its stigma. 

This world is broken and we are all broken in it too. Knowing which way the break falls means we can apply the right kind of balm. 

The right sort of help and support- understanding and structure fits the right kind of "label'

Sensitivity is require and kindness.

ADHD is never an excuse for bad behaviour. 

The process of coming to terms with a child who is ADHD diagnosed can take some people a long time. And that is ok. 

It is a process and a journey and we are all going along at different paces and rates.

In the end I think every parent wants their child to flourish and do his or her best in life. 

As I have said before, right undertanding of ADHD and right solutions, thought they may take time, will enable the child to be more available to learn and so flourish.

If you would like to chat to me about ADHD please mail me on Caren.falconer@gmail.com

God Bless and strength on your journey, whatever it might be.

 

A Day in the Life- Part 21- Why is there so much ADHD?

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Why are so many children being diagnosed ADHD? Kids seemed to just get on with it when I was at school.

I hear this a lot.

What I am about to write is just my observations. I love to observe children and being a teacher, child behaviour, ways of thinking and learning  and the like fascinate me. I tutor kids in Maths, Xhosa and Afrikaans. I run a little Art Studio. I run a little moms and babes group all called THE STUDIO. I have 4 children of my own. I get to engage with lots of different families and its of different children. Each is unique. Each family is precious and unique. 

I love my work and count it as an enormous privilege to work with people.

I love the different way kids think from each other. So many things come into play when kids learn. Each little person learns in a unique way from another. it is really important to try and figure out just how your kid learns best.

I think that many people who work with children have come to see the different ways children are and learn and so are looking at children in a variety of new ways. Teachers and other professionals are seeing ADHD, perhaps for the first time. 

This is a post about ADHD and why I think that there seems to be more children diagnosed today.

I wonder if this is at all true. In South Africa we have grown out of a terrible history. Part of that terrible history was our education system. it was rigid and strict. Children were beat en and corporal punishment ruled. I do not know a single male who was not caned. I was a nerd at school. a good girl and even I got smacked at school. 

ADHD children who really, really could not sit still or stop talking or pay attention were not diagnosed as such but rather they were labeled as naughty and lazy. they were told to pay more attention and to pull up your socks.

ADHD children who were not obvious jumpers just hid under the radar, hoping that they would not get into trouble.

There marks might have been poor but no one noticed. 

They were not a problem in class. Perhaps they were just stupid or did not work hard.

So what has changed ?

Well, contrary to some views, school has changed. Children are not ruled with an iron fist anymore. Schooling has shifted and is more fun. 

The result is that children can be more of who they really are.

This means that all the wrigglers and jigglers and wanderers are spotted and lots of dreamers are spotted too.

The shift in our schools to a more safe and free environment has not been the only change.

ADHD itself has had massive discoveries and studies done over the last 20 years. We know more about it than ever before. With the Internet and information available, people are more educated about ADHD. 

The quantity and quality  of work that is required of the high functioning schools in our country  means that the ADHD kid who might have slipped through the radar previously and made it through undiagnosed till adulthood, just can not anymore. 

 The result of all of this is more kids are being diagnosed.

To diagnose a child ADHD is actually not that easy. A professional who knows what he or she is looking at needs to be on board. Medication is a schedule 6 drug in SA and so a new script needs to be written each month by a doctor. It is not as simply as made out by some.

ADHD is genetically passed on. The stats are that if one parent is ADHD then there is a 50% chance of a child being ADHD. other causes of ADHD are many, many hours of TV as a young child and trauma and extreme stress as in war. 

Perhaps there are more ADHD children today. There are more people in the world too. Perhaps we just know what we are looking at and so are actually able to diagnose children earlier and thus help. 

All good stuff I think.

A Day in the Life- Part 20 - The great Ritalin Experiement

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This week The Falconer Family embarked, once again, on THE GREAT RITALIN EXPERIMENT.

It sounds like a good title for a book.

Let me tell you a little about this adventure. 

The date finally dawned for our much needed and much anticipated Specialist appointment. With her excellent knowledge and insight we embarked on a Ritalin trial with our youngest son. He has had a really terrible year at school. it is his first year at formal schooling and boy oh boy has the rubber hit the road.

The Paediatric Neurologist that we like and who has helped us, diagnosed very quickly ADHD and prescribed the trial. Remember we have gathered the help of 2 other professionals who have spent time with him and have come to the same conclusion as has his teacher and of course , us his parents. It is the whole picture and the same picture by ALL these people that lead us to this trial.

 

But with  the topic of Ritalin on the table again we decided to review our other sons meds too. He is now trying Long Acting 20 Ritalin - experiment 2

and then to top it all My husband ( we ) decided to up his dose - Experiment 3.

Using Ritalin and other similar medication for the treatment of ADHD is an experiment. it is much like using and coming to grips with any other drug. 

We sit back and observe behaviour especially in the case of children who are younger and can not always articulate what is going on in their own minds. 

Our youngest son is quite good at some of the observations about himself. He is a sharp button.

He knows that something is a miss ans, I think , do all kids who are struggling and there is huge relief when , the struggles are acknowledged in a positive way and HELP is offered.

Ritalin , for us, forms PART of the whole approach to ADHD in our family. We are not, as some think, drugging our children so that they simply fit into the schools rigid environment. 

That is to limit the experience totally and to miss the point.

Firstly , schooling has changed a great deal from the rigid and formal dinosaur of the past. Many, many schools are shifting and changing and have shifted and changed. Children are more free to be who they are. Yes, there is still much needed change but I think that the days of children having to ' shut up , sit still and work are gone.

Large numbers in classrooms and a very limited understanding of ADHD in our schools , across the board, means that there is still room for change but I think and I hope that this change will come. 

I salute teachers who have a work load of note; who, in the South African context have had curriculum change upon change; and all the other difficulties that are present. But are predominately learners and those who are the shapers of minds. 

I hold out much hope.

So, we are not drugging our kids so that they are able to fit the mould. Whatever that means. 

But rather, we are offering real help for the child who is ADHD. Help that makes him available to learn. 

Help that plugs him in when his brain unplugs him.

Helps him be able to self-regulate instead of have others regulate him with punishment.

It gives his brain what it lacks on its own so that he can learn.

School is not the problem and nore is the schooling system the cause of the wriggles.

 Interesting schooling offers a solution actually. Good, well planned fun lessons are what captivate.

But Medication allows the child to be in the moment , available to take in and engage successfully with the learning process.

Can I just tell you about our little boy and his first day on Ritalin.

My Shiny face was there at the teachers door, right on time. 

I was dying to know.

How was it?

We chatted a bit and she could see he was less wriggly.

great!

The fun part for me was listening carefully and observing. Like ever parent, we know our sons exceptionally well and so change is obvious.

Something had shifted.

 

For this entire year I have held my breath when homework time came. 

It is a lucky draw really. 

He could either be plugged in a little and so do some of it 

or not plugged in at all and so we barely get through any of it. My heart has been aching as I have watched him struggle to pay attention. Reading has been like torture.

I kept thinking, " if only he could just learn to read, then surely he will fly"

While this is true, his learning process was not consistent and nore was it extremely successful. One day he would not seem to be able to read a word he has before. 

This was the teachers experience too.

 

Writing words has been just terrible. Each week has seemed more and more difficult. I have learnt to let it go when he can not and try and do ALL the homework for the week , when he can.

During this time he will wriggle and be off and on and around the chair. he will sigh and pant. He will declare in all manner of negativity - more!!

Homework Hell Time!!

Can you picture it?

Yesterday, however, we read 2 books, read two lists of words and another two; we did 3 columns of maths and ALL this while sitting still and focusing and WITHOUT one word of negativity. In fact, he seemed to enjoy it. 

He asked me questions and asked for help. He chatted and was thoroghly engaged. 

Can you picture it?

Then, on top of this all he began to tell me about the things his teacher has taught him that day. He told me all about the lions and the interesting facts. He has not stopped talking about it. This is the FIRST time he has done this ALL year.

Can you picture it?

He was available for learning. He was plugged in.

This morning when I woke him up he said to me," Mom, is school shorter?".

"No, my boy . it is the same length."

"It felt shorter to me , mom."

Music to my ears. This tells me that by being more plugged in and available for learning, he had fun and the day did not drag and was not boring.

Can you picture it?

Now, Ritalin is not going to solve all our problems and it is early days. The effects of medication are immediate and are exciting. We are thrilled and quite frankly, he was too. 

Hooray!

Thank you Lord.

A Day in the life- part 19 - The cross and ADHD

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 Those who read my blog know that I am a Christan. I was not brought up in a Christan home. I came to know Jesus in my early twenties. 

What do I mean by this...

Well, I came to understand that I was not living my life in the right order. 

I was in charge and God was not!

That is the wrong way around.

I was totally in control of my destiny and plans. I did not give God a second thought. But, I came to realise that this is not how life is meant to be lived. This is indeed the very heart of sin and rebellion. You see, I felt I did not actually need God.

Becoming a Christan meant that my eyes were opened and I saw the truth. God is indeed alive and well and rules the universe . My rebellion was wrong. Jesus has died on the cross so that my rebellion can be paid for. I was set free from the penalty of my rebellion against God who is all holy and all loving but who will hold me responsible. 

The penalty for rebellion is death. 

Jesus took my place and my punishment.

He now rules my life with kindness and love and help. He is the one who defines my plans and purpose of my life. I am living under his Kingship and his love.He is my Lord and my God.

I am not longer the same person I was. I am new.

What has all this got to do with ADHD?

Everything.

My very understanding and coming to grips with having an ADHD family comes from a clear understanding that the world is broken because of sin and rebellion. 

I am broken and my kids are broken. I know it is going to be tough. We need to work hard to get it right and still we get it wrong.

There is forgiveness.

God's rich love and forgiveness is at work and so when I muck up and I do and when my boys all muck up and they do - we can hold out forgiveness and start again.

There is grace.

God showers his grace on our lives every minute of every day. Grace to every person in the world like the sun shining or the gift or friendship and family. God's common grace.

But then to us who are called by him and belong to him he pours out grace to us specifically. That which we do not deserve and can not earn he gives us freely. I need his help in times of trouble and he gives it with love.

He is so wonderful because he gives us just what we need, in the moment, if we ask and rely on him.

Prayer.

I have a permanent talk opportunity with the Living God about all things and everything. He hears me and he hears us and he helps.

Loving brothers and sisters.

Gos has brought every Christan into his family and we are there to support and love and build up and encourage each other and boy do parents today need this. 

Safe Love!!

Hope.

We have a certain hope which we hold out to each other in our family. Yes. life may be hard but God is here now. He is at work now and he will take us to that place we call Heaven or rather the new earth. he will make all things new and right. Jesus will personally wipe away EVERY tear . He will comfort us now and then.

We have the Spirit.

God's spirit is at work in every Christan. Making us new and changing us . He is real and powerful. he can give us the things we lack in this life like peace and joy and love and self control. 

God's Word.

We have our great God speaking to us through his word. The Bible. Every time we read it Jesus speaks to us. What an amazing thing that is. Wacky and amazing. We have real comfort and courage from his word.

We understand struggles rightly.

Jesus said, " in this world you will have struggles . But take heart, for I have overcome the world"

We know, as Christan's, that this life is by no means perfect. In fact it can be jolly tough. Jesus told us this too. The bible teaches us how to think about trials and struggles rightly. God is at work in the mess and chaos of life. In the mess and chaos of ADHD life- he is at work. He is refining us all and working for our good and his glory. There is purpose in struggles and trials. There is a plan.

I take great comfort from these big truths and rest in the loving arms of our kind heavenly father who is at work. 

ADHD is real but Jesus is also very real. I cling to him.

 

Trust him!!

A day in the Life - Part 18 - To Label or not to Label. This is the question.

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I have many labels that I wear. Some of those labels tell something of my status like..

I am married

I am a woman

I amin my forties

I am a chrisitan.

Others tell something of my lifes journey...

I come from a divorced family

I had a very difficult childhood

I live a great distance from my family

etc

Some tell something about what is going on inside....

Spelling words correctly does not come easily to me- I may be dislexic or have auditory issues

I have poor inner core muscles

I struggle with keeping my thoughts rational :)

etc

I think we all wear a label of one kind or another. Some of them are obvious to others and some are not.

Other people gives us labels. They might say....

She is overweight ; gentle ; kind; bossy etc

People are in the busness of labeling themselves and labeling others.

The question of whether to Label a child ADHD is entirely a personal. In our experience we have found the label of ADHD in other words the diagnosis of ADHD very freeing indeed. Instead of the label being a box in which we fit and squash our kids into. We use it to explain all the beautiful things about being ADHD and of course also the struggles too. The beauty and stuggles are evident and known and so now we can do something with them. Actually, I wonder if not diagnosing and therefore not labeling a child causes them to be boxed anyway. 

What I mean by this is ... the naughty, figity, talkitive , disruptive child is perhaps called that along the way , anyway. When we know why the child does these things then we can help him not to. 

God gave me a picture once of our son standing not IN his ADHD box but ON his ADHD box. The known now provided a beautiful and powerful springboard from which he can now fly. 

Knowledge is power.

 

A day in the life - part 17 - The emotional rollercoaster of ADHD - four seasons in one day!!

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This post is about the emotional rollercoaster that ADHD children seem to experience. It can be , literally, like four seasons in a day. He might wake up and be in the best mood ever - with a song and a joke and a spring in his step. I can hear him singing, loudly ( of course everything is on volume - LOUD) in the shower.  However 5 minutes later he might be shouting at his brother and slamming the door. this might be followed by lauging and singing and or crying. The emotional rollercoaster of the ADHD child.

 It is unpredictable.

 It is the norm and it can be very tough to parent. 

I have come across a great book called ' Leraning to Slow Down and Pay Attention' by Kathleen Nadeau  and Ellen Dixon. It is written FOR children who are on the ADHD Spectrum and is trully a great book. there are 4 different chapters that deel with feelings from different angles.

1. Talking out problems at home

2.things to do when someone hurts my feelings

3.ways to make and keep friends

4.learning to control my anger 

What a great reasourse this book has been for us. 

Dr Christopher Green in his book " understanding ADHD" has many hot tips on parenting children who struggle with their emotions. 

It takes great courage and wisdom to help a child who is frustrated and can not control his frustration or to know when and HOW to parent a child that finds it tough to self regulate. Oppotional defiance is a comorbid assosiated with ADHD . When a child is oppositional all the time and ADHD is in the cards, then a different kind of parenting is required. Wise councel is fundemental in these cases and help from professionals who care and understand must be found.  Help is at hand. We have found reading and learning new ways of parenting fundemental to raising our boys who struggle. 

We are learning how to avoid head on head confrontaion  and recognise impulive outbursts for what they are. Lengthy debates over the issue at hand and the behaviour at hand are to be avoided at all costs. Green suggests fast action and little talking. I have found this to be absolutely true when dealing with an ADHD outburst or moment. it is absolutley futile trying to reason with him , in the moment. Time for talking through the issue comes later. 

Wisdom, wisdom and more wisdom is needed.

Honesty too! We get it wrong a whole lot.

Ignoring other paretns and the 'tut tut' looks too has been invaluable. I have a great group of friends who love and get my kids and so I have a safe space to be a good mom and he has other safe places to go where people get him and really care.

Experiement too. Try different things and see what works. 

 

And much grace for both parent and child.

I can not tell you how tough it is to parent a child who is struggling to self-regulate his emotions. 

Something a good friend tought us was to simply just hold and hug. - Say nothing but just let them feel safe and contained. It must be horrid feeling so emotionally out of control.

Disciplining a child is tough at the best of time but with ADHD kids it seems all the more tough because of the tricky waters one treads. 

The child needs to take responsibility for their actions and others are not to blame. Neither is their ADHD but at the same time it is difficult for them to always control and self- regulate. It is tough!!

I have found that simple and regular routine helps all children but it especially helps the ADHD child. it confines them and gives them a time frame work in which they can opperate . It makes them feel safe and in control when quite frankly their heads seem out of control.We have found medication has helped the chaos of emotions and emotional outbursts enormously!

Strength to those who parent boldly and under these emotional waters. :)

 

A Day in the Life- Part 16 - ADHD and Ritalin

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 Today I am writing about what I think is probably the most debated and contentious area of ADHD. I think that the debate is fueled by ignorance and lack of understanding in the public domain.  Obviously a great deal of research has gone into medication and ADHD. 

Let me begin by saying this. 

ALL parents of ADHD children wrestle and wrestle with medication. It is the one of the biggest decisions we have had to make for our sons. 

We love our boys with all our hearts and would NEVER ever do something that endangers them.

We have researched and listened to the professionals.

We have prayed and asked for wisdom

and then we have acted.

Our doctor is a top Cape Town Paediatric Neurologist. She knows her stuff.

She asks the right questions. She is totally thorough in her physical. She does not mess about. 

If there is a problem, as we had initially with medication, you are in her office at the crack of dawn.

Her trial period is carefully monitored and feedback from the teachers at this point is invaluable. 

The way medication works on an ADHD brain is different for each individual. Sometimes it does not work. But when it does, you can see the effects on the child in half an hour. 

There are a variety of methalphenidate drugs on the market. The best known one is the brand Ritalin but essentially they are all the same. They just work differently in terms of time delivery. 

Ordinary Ritalin is in and out the body without lasting effects. In other words it does not build up in the system and stay there after it has worked through the body.

Let me tell you a little about our experience with Ritalin. 

This is essentially a series of post about our children who are ADHD but actually the story of Ritalin begins with my husband who is ADHD. ADHD is strongly genetic. The stats are , if 1 parent is ADHD the chance of having a child on the spectrum is 50%. 

My husband was diagnosed as an adult and began using Ritalin as an adult. He can obviously articulate what happens inside his head which was very helpful. 

His life changed in so many ways after he was diagnosed and one of the key changes came about through the use of medication. Suddenly his ability to focus on his work increased and so his productivity increased and his self perseption improved. This is a very brief summary of his experience.

When our older son was in grade 1 we began a trial of Ritalin towards the end of the year. He had a darling teacher who actually was free and loose around the edges. A perfect fit for our ADHD boy. I remember the first day he took the drug. I was waiting outside the classroom door . The first thing she saw was my shiny little expectant face. 

Her words were...." Like chalk and cheese Caren, Like chalk and cheese."

In other words, there was a profound difference in output behaviour. 

This is the concluding sentence to the question on medication.

For us!!!

There is a significant, positive change in all areas of struggle and behavioural output that medication allows the child to experience. He is calmer, happier, less anxious , more tuned in, more focused and more in control.  He is less chatty, less busy, less restless and less of everything but in the same way there is much more of him. There is more of my son available for learning and on offer for us.

Are there things I do not like about medication?

The answer is, yes.

I do not like that he does not eat. I do not like that he does not talk as much and is quieter.

 If I am honest, I do not like that he has to take it at all but the positive consequences are a great rewrd for him and for us.

It WORKS!!

It does what his brain can not do on its own.

Now that he is older, he is able to articulate the benifits of medication for himself. Studying and homework are the most challenging times because often the drug has lost its effect. Not much studying gets done and lots of tears are shed

On days when he forgets to take it , he is in trouble a whole lot more.

Medication has transformed our lives as a family and our sons life as an individual. It is one of the things that help him to manage himself successfully.

Making the decision to mediacte is entirely personal.

If you are in the situation of having to decide to medicate or not. here are a few hot tips that I learnt and will share with you.

1. do not just google Ritalin . Avoid it at all costs. Ask around for some good and helpful sites. ADDITUDE Magazine is very informative and helpful.

2. find a well known and good specialist doctor to walk this journey with you.

 3.read some good books like Dr Green s Understanding ADHD. Your specialist will have a list of helpful books too.

4. attend some talks around ADHD and medication at your local support group and have your questions answered

5. meet up with other parents who are on the same journey 

6. take the time you need to make the decision - do not rush

7. Ritalin is in and out of the system so why not run a weeks trial and see. You might only truly know if you try it. 

Statisitcs show that children who need ritalin and use it are less likely to fall and become one of the many other statisics that ADHD children land up becomming. 

Medication is a help to many children.

Remember that unless you actually have a child on this spectrum you do not really know how difficult life can be and how big a decison this is. Please do not judge us or advise us. Would it not be great if you walked aong side us instead and prayed with us. 

I can not tell you how many times a person has lectured me on why they think my child should not be on Ritalin. 

The bulgy eyed and frothy mouthed brigade. Those who know very little on this issue but speak a great deal. 

 Parents who have ADHD children are already under enormous pressure on many fronts. They really would value your help and support rather than you condemnation and critism.

Enough said!

A day in the life - Part 15- The things I wish my child's teacher knew .

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With this post I am stepping on 'hallowed" ground.

 As a teacher myself, I know how we guard our profession. We teachers actually do know about learning and educating. We do know what we are doing and aiming to achieve. We want our class children to succeed. We are adventurous and work extremely hard. 

I salute our teachers and am so grateful for the work they do in our children's lives.

Whenever I look at the teachers at our school, I am amazed at how very hard they work. It is an exhausting job with high demands. It is the kind of work that can consume and keep one up until all hours. I love teaching but more than that I absolutley want to burst when I see and experience children learning. That eurika or bingo moment is just priceless. I have learnt so much about teaching kids who are ADHD be simply having kids who are ADHD. 

    I see them... I get them... I understand.

Each year I visit the particular teacher of our darling ADHD son. 

I do this to flag up some of our concerns and to discuss medication. He has to take his medication at school and so we need the teachers help.If  I were to write a letter to my child's teacher about my ADHD child and all that I long for him or her to understand about my child being ADHD , I think it would say something like this.......

Dear Teacher

Today is the first day of the year you will spend with my son. 

He is our very precious gift. 

We love him more than we could ever express. We long for him to succeed at school this year. 

He is ADHD. 

I tell you this because I want you to help him and support him as he navigates all he has to learn this year. 

We rely on you. 

You are a vital part of the team who work with him.  

We desperately need your help with feeding back vital information to us. If we change his meds- we need your feedback. If he is not concentrating or is shouting out a lot, we need your feedback.

If he is sad for  any long period of time- please tell us!

Your role is vital.

If you do not fully understand ADHD then please ask , read and find out.

There are good talks about ADHD. 

There are great web sites and information that can help you be a better teacher to our son and others just like him. 

When he forgets stuff , please remeber that he will do this again.

When he shouts out, please be patient and remind him.

Give him space to calm down if he gets upset.

When he gets frustrated and things do not work - reasure him.

Know that he is trying his very best.

If you think he is disengaged from life, please let us know.

He might struggle with friends - please be warned.

ADHD kids can irritate.

Try new things- know that he will get bored with the mundane.

He will get in trouble. Please think about the kind of discipline you metre out on ADHD children. They need routine and they need order but please do not punish them for something that their brain's can simply not do or that their brains just do.

When he writes a test, please remind him of some of those things you think he has remembered - like get some scrap paper.

Write your name.

You can do it!!! ADHD children need to hear this all the time. 

Know that he is not alone in your class and there are others, just like him.

Do not take anything personally but realise that ADHD is real, it exists it is in your classroom. 

You can not shout or punish it away. Your knowledge of ADHD and your teaching skills around ADHD will make a difference in his life and in ours and in countless other children's lives. 

We rely on you and we value you. 

Please be in touch.

You are the one person who can feed back vital information. 

You help us know if he is florishing or floundering; if he is engaged or disengaged ; if his meds are working; if he is learning. Please do not wait until the term is nearly up. 

We anticipate some issues and are here to help. We are not over protective , over - active or naive.

Know that we are exhausted. 

Know that we struggle, like you do , to think of new ways to engage and make the mundane seem fun.

Know that some days our child is exhausted.

His senses are overloaded and he is over stimulated. 

Try and understand that on some days he just can not do anymore and so we have to leave sport and leave homework and do something that restores and rests- both his body and his mind.

Know that we are going to experiement with many new things and try and fail and try again.

Being a parent of an ADHD child id both exhilirating and petrifying.

Please do you best and know that we are 100 percent behind you.

We will be praying for you all the time.

And finally, ADHD is not a belief system or as a result of bad parenting. Please try and understand the things I tell you. Please read ! Please learn. 

Thank you for the great effort and care you give our child. 

We are eternally grateful. 

One day he might say - remember Mrs ?

She really cared about me mom!!

A Day in the Life - Part 10 - Comorbids and ADHD

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Dr  Christopher Green in his book "Understanding ADHD", says that if ADHD is present in a child then there is a great likelyhood of what are called comorbid conditions to be present. 
These are conditions that are more likely to exist if a child is ADHD. 

The list of these comorbids include things like...

* learning disabilities
* tics
* Tourettes syndrome
*coordination problems
* Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
* Bipolar
depression
* conduct Disorder
*Oppositional Defiance Disorder
* anxiety
* sleep problems
* sensory intergration disorder

Understanding ADHD by Dr.Christopher Green is an excellent book for those setting out on the journey. it is easy to read and understand and covers pretty much all the areas on ADHD. 
One of the more common comorbids is anxiety. Children who are ADHD are often anxious and this make perfect sense. If a child is struggling to hold it all together; remember all that needs to get done; pay attention ; sit still long enough to pay attention; get himself organised; complete all that is demanded in life on time and these are all the areas that ADHD children struggle on a daily basis, well then it stands to reason that a fair amount of stress and anxiety will be present. 

Am I getting it all together ? is the ADHD question.  

 I know lots of children who are on the specrtrum of ADHD and including my own, they all have a level of anxiety. 

The tricky think here is to help them to manage their anxiety so that itremains under control. 
Keeping on top of things is a great place to start. Keeping organised at home; at school and with belongings, is another. Having a flexible, age approariate and child approariate routine is an excellent way to help and ADHD child have order in his life . 
A healthy dash of wisdom and a good dollop of grace is what helps parent these wonderful children. 
I have found that realistic expectations are first prize and just seem to level the playing field in our home. I do not expect my messy boys to be tidy but I do expect them to help tidy up. 

I find the comorbid section of the book very helpful but also incredibly destresing at the same time. The traits of ADHD seem to pull and push the child in another direction all on their own and so to have added things like sesnory issues and the like just seem to add on top of. 

The picture might not look pretty BUT if we are able to understand some of the specific things our children really find hard to manage or do, well surely we can then come along side them and lend a hand. We can give the right sort of help. Help and solutions that fit the problem. In my eperience there is great liberty in finding out what the problem is. The flip side of this is continually expecting the child to do something that his brain just seems to revolt against. Getting angry with a child who has sensory intergration issues because he will not put on his shoes as they ' feel funny' to him is a waste of time . More than that it is emotionally damaging. Understanding that the brain reads the feeling of things in a highly sensitive way and that a small bump feels like a giant lump - well that understanding throws different light on a problem. Information brings the best and right kind of help. it brings good and right kinds of parenting. So, I know it is scary to fnd out if any comorbids exsist with your child. Be bold and take that step. It will be the right thing to do.