More threads unravel

 I have embarked on this epic work of trying to record my story of the unraveling of aspects of my faith journey and it is a really huge work to tackle. A story as many threads and many parts to it. These pieces all slot together in what some call synchronicity and others providence. The story of the unraveling did not begin in Covid or lockdown or with George Floyd's murder or even the reigniting of the conversation of racism in our own country and city . It had, for me begun at the very beginning of my faith journey in these particular theological waters, I just did not know it yet. 

The way we approach and understand the bible as Christ followers, is all about theology. Theology is the way we understand and the study of God and beliefs as found in the bible or " the word of God". Theology is not restricted to Christianity, but for the purposes of this story, I am using it in the realm of Christianity. 

The particular Christian place and space a person belongs to, will be informed by theology and the practice and understanding of how and why Christians use the bible to inform life is all part of particular way of understanding and reading the bible. I can not tackle this topic in any depth nor do I want to except to tell my story. 

The way we read and understand the bible; the parts we leave out and emphasize will be influenced or rather undergirded by theology. The church space that my faith as a follow f Christ was formed and molded in, was  of a theological practice that holds that the way the bible is read, interpreted and understand in life IS the only way that the bible is to be read and understood and practiced. There is no other way. I believed this too. 

As I write this next sentence, I know that those who read this AND who continue in this way of thinking about the bible, will judge me to be " no longer in Christ" and the like. Just pause for a moment and re read this sentence. Yho. It holds a lot. 

I assure you that whatever you may think, I continue to be safe in the arms of Jesus. 

However, I no longer hold to this way of thinking about the bible. My theology has shifted. And that is ok. 

When one comes to a certain and certain way of looking at  the bible, for those who do not know, what happens is that a list of popularly held or authorized teachers of the same kind of theology are encouraged. Depending on the narrowness of the particular theology,  there will be some on the edge of this "list" that are a little "dodgy".  What is not shared is that there is a whole world of people, writers, preachers and the like, who love Jesus and who hold really different ways of understanding the bible. 

This realization was solidified in Covid. The time we had in lockdown, meant for me, a shrinking of my art classes and an opening up of a space where for the entire year I spent time exploring and reading different people. The space created and directed by Isiphambano and their years course Jesus and Justice , was indeed that space. It was marvelous, rich, challenging and life changing. The many, many questions I had on Justice and Jesus and many more were opened and discussed with other Christ followers who were also asking these questions.  This course changed everything. I met Rene Padilla and Ecuadorian theologian ; The Black Theology of James Coen ; The revolutionary idea that the bible had anything to say about poverty, history and how we are to engage as citizens NOW was profound and beautifully liberating. We looked everything from many angles and read many different ideas on , as an example Missiology 9 The study of religious missions, methods and purpose) . Can you see how vast this course was and how earth shatteringly wonderful. 

I remember feeling deeply let down. What we believe  is so central to our being. It shapes everything. I came to the realisation , that the theological world of my faith formation was not the whole story. That was huge. 

The bottom of my world had been pulled out. 

Who or what would hold? 

 

As Threads unravel

 A story can be told from many perspectives. I will begin this one in Covid but in reality it began at the beginning. Threads is the theme of my blog and there are many threads that are pulled together as there are many that are torn apart.  Lock down was a very strange time. In many ways, for us as a family, it was a welcome time of us being a family. A time of rest but also stress. Doug went into Covid without a job and all the leads and hopes shriveled up because of, well, Covid. For, me, Lockdown afforded some time to read and think. 

 I need to rewind a little here.  On the 25th May, George Floyd was killed by a police officer in the state of Minnesota. This murder had a ripple effect on the world and South Africa, for obvious reasons was included in the reach. In the city of Cape Town we had our very own #yousilenceweamplify evolve as a direct result of the murder of George Floyd. Race and racism was back in focus and people were talking, sharing, arguing as well as asking questions. It felt like a window of opportunity had opened. Many people stepped through it and good came from that. 

Public spaces including schools and workspaces were discussing racism in their contexts. In some of the traditionally white run churches the topic of racism in churches was also put on the agenda. Public talks were shared, stories told and books were read. This seemed all good. And, some of it really was. But, what this moment in time very viscerally revealed , was the real and powerful desire and ability for those in powerful positions to shut down these discussions , at any point. To claim, " We have had the conversation and therefore to maintain the status quo. This is exactly what happened in my church space.  

The why and the what and who really do not matter. The truth is, that the church desperately needed and continues to need to have this very difficult and honest conversation with itself. Tragically , this is not a priority for many churches. It just is not. 

Both Doug and I have shared too many conversations and seen too many ways that the result of the lack of tackling this head on, has played out. I am not going to write about these here as they are the stories that belong to others, but they are just too many and continue to this day. 

Racism is evil. It has real life implications on and for people and it is destructive by nature. Christians who are big on the concept of sin, here this.  Racism is a sin.  More than that, the church, for all its good, continues to be racist. Because it fails to show up and dig into what this looks like in 2025 South Africa, Christians continue to be racist too. Does this sound offensive?  Well, let me be as bold as to say, this is part of the problem. 

South Africa's roots are slavery, colonization and Apartheid.  Deeply racist and white supremacist. This is sadly our collective  heritage and the truth is that 1994 democracy could not , like the flick of a switch, dig up these roots. It just could not and did not. Christians understand that , the mind is the place of renewal and therefore change. If the mind of racist thinking has not been dug up and " renewed" then change has not happened. 

Therefore, those white people , with eyes to see, have seen this play out again and again. To our shame. 

Did we speak out? The answer to this is yes. There is not much more to say here. We tried in a multiple ways and times. I feel myself growing really weary and deeply sad, as I write this down. My bones feel weighed down. My heart is broken. Not for me. But for my fellow human. The person who day after day has to live in the water that just does not see or understand the hurt we, white people perpetuate. 

I will leave it here for now. 

  

Threads Unravel

 "There is a lovely road that runs from Ixopo into the hills. These hills are grass covered and rolling, and they are lovely beyond any singing of it. " Alan Paton. Cry the Beloved Country

In Standard 8 , Grade 10 today, our English class read Cry the Beloved Country. It was 1985 in Johannesburg, South Africa. We were in the death throws of Apartheid, although we did not know it. This beautiful book formed part of my own journey of awakening , of becoming conscious or what we now call " woke" and ,let me be very clear IS a reality. I still have my copy of this book , covered in plastic and inscribed with the date 1986. It was a gift from my dearest friend , Katie. 

 

I begin this post with this little piece above because my deep love for my country South Africa and my realization, as a child and then teenager, that something was terribly wrong, bore within me the activist that I am today in my 50's. 

When I came to faith in Jesus,  I knew nothing about being a Christian but I did know that something was very wrong in this land. The faith "home" I landed in held a lot of things. But what it did NOT hold was any firm understanding or action on this one, terrible and fundamentally important life issue. 

Something was terribly, terribly wrong in this country.

I concluded that, Christians did not care about justice and about what was happening in South Africa in the 1980 and 1990. Yes, they would pray but largely , except for a few precious people, who I still know and love, there was a real lack of understanding, care and action. In fact, it solidified it. There were often glimmers of hope or realizations but these never amounted to any real change. more about this in another post.  

Somehow , I reconciled this as what being a "Christian" was. 

The next 20 odd years in that same murky water , did very little to change this notion. 

It is very difficult to for me to write about my faith and the unraveling of it without speaking about the experience of Christianity that I had. It is impossible. I will, however ,  aim to do this without naming any church or specific denomination or people. 

'The scriptures are not silent on structural and systemic sin. The bible overflows with Gods responses to poverty, oppression and governance. " Lisa Sharon Harper. The Very Good Gospel

Little did I know that God has a great deal to say to Christians about injustice in the world. More than that, he invites us to act. These posts are the story of how the begin of my faith journey above and my now faith journey found one another. 

 

 

Threads

I have not written on this blog for a very long time. 

When I think about all the many changes in our lives and what to say, I guess I have been avoiding trying to tackle any of this here. 

I am working through a delightful book, "The Artists Way" , A spiritual path to higher creativity by Julia Cameron. It is an old book, at least 30 years old, but it really holds a great deal within its pages. as I draw to the end, I feel creatively more confused that certain and that is a really good thing for now. 

This morning I read her words in the final chapter that really jarred. 

" Our truest dream for ourselves is always God's will for us," highlighting the connection between aligning our inner desires and divine purpose to foster creativity and faith. The chapter, "Recovering a Sense of Faith," emphasizes that the creative process is one of surrender, not control, and requires trusting that our deepest aspirations originate from a divine source.  

Why was this jarring?

It flies in the face of everything I was taught about myself and who God is. 

Thinking about this and how see myself  spurred me on this morning to  tackle this blog. 

I  spent some time renaming it. I like it. It reflects more realistically where we are. 

This is more honest and is one of the things that has shifted for me.

How do we reflect more realistically , Gods love of us, if we create these unreachable

 facades of what is?

Our children are grown up and no long the little boys in these pictures. 

We are  all and each on a journey. Walking on the path before us. 

These paths have brought such delight and surprise. 

 For some who read this , this will mean I have "lost" my faith in Jesus. To the contrary, I am discovering who he really is. 

It has no small thing to find yourself rethinking many of the foundational  faith ideas

and it is easy to toss out than to rebuild. This is particularly so when coming from the a strongly "certain" based, fear creating faith with very narrow parameters. 

I continue to wrestle with many of the old ideas that were drilled into us. 

I will share why I believed these ideas so deeply and readily too. 

I will hopefully get to share some of these with  you , readers, over the next while. 

For the many who have experienced much of what I will write about in the coming pages, you are not alone. Sadly, but not surprisingly. some have no faith in Jesus anymore.  To those I continue to journey with, you are beautiful and true. 

I am so grateful for the many Christ followers, who have encourage me . There are countless. Many may not even know who they are but I acknowledge you . 

Let me begin. 

Cuties

 

We all view life through a lens. That lens is the filter which is made up of all the experiences we have had. It is informed by our skin colour; our country; our class; our education and our values. It just is.  We view all of life through this unconscious lens. All our biases, stereotypes and prejudices are run through the lens.  Understanding the different filters on our lenses, helps us to adjust where we need to. For me, this is the pain and joy of being human. It is where struggle and shifts meet.

This week the movie “Cuties” was released onto Netflix.

It is not the first time or the last time a movie has or will create a storm. Interestingly people of all sorts of faith persuasions or those of no faith outlook, have been debating this particular movie. I am a Christian,, white women who lives in South Africa. I am 51 years old. I write this all purposefully, because these parts of seemingly unimportant bits of information , are part  the filter I would bring to watching a movie- even to deciding whether I should watch a movie. Many Christians in particular have called for the cancelling of Netflix on the back of this movie. Some have strongly suggested Christians should not watch it. Others have gone as far as telling ALL Christians they should not watch it. To be fair, this call comes from a place of care and from having read some articles or commentary on the movie. Their call is not entirely from a place of ignorance. We are free, as Christians, to decide whether to watch a movie like Cuties or not.   However, having watched the movie, I can say that the critics fall short of seeing the movie as a whole. I can focus on any one theme in a movie and that will give it a particular flavour. Perhaps a movie might have one key theme. But in the case of  Cuties, there are multiple themes. I think the writings on this movie have failed to explore the big themes and in particular failed to note the working-class context of this movie.  This is important when I come to my lens idea. If I fail to note the setting, I will view this important part of the movie through my middle-class lens. Particularly my Christian, nuclear family (mom and dad) lens. We fail to see with clarity the reality of life for children in places that are different from mine. We critic it through our narrow, safe lens. We fail to see the big idea that the director was clearly trying to express.  This movie is a movie that is honest, raw and rases many questions but it is also sensitive and thoughtful. It will leave a mark. 

  Those who have written on it have focused on the hyper sexualization of the group f 11-year-old teenage girls. The story is set in a French,  inner city , working-class, community. The focus is on a foreign, black, African family and their 11 year old daughter, Amy. A poignant story which very clearly and carefully looks at life through the eyes of this teenager, struggling to find her place in the harsh world of teenagers. She is desperate to belong and endures bullying to make a place for herself amongst a fairly cut throat group of 11 year old girls.  The movie continues to explore the journey through their friendship, giving snapshots of times spent together. Some of these times are spent with the one girl friend who lives in her block of flats. These girls get up to all sorts of girlie silliness and some clearly delinquent behaviour.  The delinquent beahviour is one of the parts I found profoundly sad and the other was the raw bullying, which was disturbing . There are moments of little girl fun and then moments when the girl fun collides with social reality – particularly explored through interaction with social media. The journey of the group from dancing under a bridge to a local, fairly odd and non-event, competition is also a part of the story but it is not the focus theme. The hyper sexualization of these 11 year old girls is explained through the stumbling of a semi pornographic women dance “movie” which influences their dance ‘moves’. The sexualized movements are not sexy. They are not portrayed as sexy or desirable.  They are not beautiful or intimate or compelling in any way. They are an oxymoron and the movie is excellent in clearly portraying this. There is an element of shame surrounding the dancing, particulalry the last dance.  At no time did we think … wow. That is beautiful dancing. Not once! And this is the point.

The focus point of denouncing the movie, for many,  has been the sexualisation of the girls in much of the outrage I have come across. But I want to argue that this movie is not just about this.  Yes, it is about this but not just about this. It is a careful and thoughtful movie exploring the world of women. It is a movie exploring the world of working class people. It explores, as I have mentioned, issues of being a foreigner ; a foreign women with 3 young children and a husband, who we never actually meet, who is bringing a new wife home to their small flat. It explores patriarchy and offers her choices. While she wrestles with her pain, she is absent from her daughters life, emotionally, and when she interacts with her , it is either in a violent outrage or in religious ritual. Except toward the end of the movie, as she is coming to terms with her own situation – she shows some kindness toward her daughter.

This is a deeply moving exploration of women. There are hardly any men in the movie and the one character that stood out for me was the spiritual man who visits the home to see if Amy is possessed ( the only answer for her behaviour?). The movie is thus also raising questions around religion and how we view our children and interact with them, especially when things get messy. and they do for Amy. 

Back to the man....this one man shows kindness. 

He asks her a question. ‘How are you?” 

It was such a touching moment for me because not once throughout this entire movie does anyone who cares for Amy , ask her how she is. And she is clearly not ok. Amy knows she is not ok too. Introducing the theme of a growing self-awareness and the reality that we all have to face- that of making choices. Amy is faced with this truth and in the end of the movie she resolves the conflict in her. The conflict of who she is given her African culture and living in France. It is a healthy and beautiful moment.

I worked in London, at a school in the borough of Millwall. I worked at a school on a council estate. I worked there for a year. My children came from working class homes. They were good people, trying to do their best with what life had dealt them. Some had tough circumstances. It was a tough school to work in. At times, some of the parents would gather the drug used needles lying around the estate. The children could easily have stumbled upon these. In this movie, the girls find a used condom. I immediately reflected back and thought about life on council estate in inner city London. Of course, there were used condoms lying around. Of curse kids can find them and probably do. It might not be real life for me or my family, but it is life for many.

This is a carefully thought through and purposefully constructed movie. It is not beautiful but has a beuaty to it, It is not only art ,although it is in part, but it is deeply touching movie and will stay with me for a while.  I am glad I choice to watch it. It is a movie about injustice, class, struggle and identity ( and more) and woven into this is the reality that we struggle to find ourselves, sexually. It is a social commentary with a very specific focus ( which , I suspect , reflects more of the worlds reality, than mine) with so much to dissect and reflect on. I  found it an excellent watch. As a teacher, parent and activist, I find myself in many different spaces, many that do not  look like the one I am used to, I found this movie extremely helpful.  I would not be bold enough or self-righteous enough to tell anyone to watch this movie or even not to. That is for you to decide.

 

on being a fragile white ( South African )

During the December holidays, I read this book. White Fragility by Robin Diangelo. It was a good read though a tough read because it hit the spot. It is supposed to. The title is one that might put many off reading it but I suspect the title is spot on. I say this because of the experience I have with white people and their fragile selves. Time and time again, when called out on something that is offensive, no matter how softly you tread , that fragile self rises up . Don't get me wrong. I am talking to myself here too and as in her book, Diangelo speaks to her own experience of this fragility too. The thing is, we all have it, no matter how far along the journey of anti racism  you might be. We all have it. I suspect it just is because, as Diangelo explains in the book , we have linked racism with a moral failing or deficit. If we can just move away from this , we then are free to really explore and express our need for growth in areas. Of course these areas are all different for  each of us. By stepping away from the moral deficit feeling which just causes guilt we can begin to do the really good- tough work of reprogramming our thinking. It is painful at times but so liberating. It is also, I suggest, a very necessary work for us as white South Africans , to do so that we can be a healthy part of building unity in all aspects of our lives. At work, school, university , church . I have many friends who stress the idea of hearing other peoples stories and this is a beautiful place to start practicing non white fragility. We can just listen and hold the pain that so many South Africans carry because of our past without thinking we are being blamed. It is not actually about us!

Listening and holding ..... is part of a step towards healing and unity.

Another part or place we can practice non white fragility or rather working with our white fragility is when we engage online. So often , when reading comments on a news feed  the ugly and unhelpful white fragility raises its head. In discussions around the historical narratives of this country including apartheid and colonization ; in posts around white privilege and on issues of  culture , it is an ever present reality. The very sad thing is it blocks  change and learning or growing. It is a great barrier to the real building of real  unity which we so desperately need.  When we can hear something about ourselves , as white people , that is tough to hear and not get all uppity but rather let the information work its way into a new perspective, then we are working with our white fragility in a healthy way. 

This is a honestly a book that ALL white people should read.  It will change your life as a white South African in a really good way!!

Revisiting home from home. The places of my heart.

 

 We have lived in Cape Town for 17 years now and we love it. Cape Town is the home city of our children; the home built for and from their experiences and memories. But it is not the place of my birth. Cape Town is not my home town; the home of my heart.

Johannesburg ; EGoli - the city of gold . That is where is was born in 1969 and where I grew up and when to school and studied. having lived away from JHB for almost half my life I think it should not just be called the City of Gold- and it is that indeed for the wealth and spending on life is evident in most of the big centers. from the huge, carefully constructed and thought through shopping malls to the houses that have been built in every nook and cranny; and because of its wealth , I think it is the city of change and so it should be called The City of Change. Nothing stays the same. It is hardly the city . and yet.......

My father lives in Diepsloot on a farm -  small holding . From his patio  stretches out a beautiful view of Johannesburg and we can see the tower in the far off distance standing tall and obvious. Behind us is a very different Diepsloot , about 5 Km away. The one that grew up from the dust and dirt as Apartheid fell. That ever growing town of shanty and brick building alike. It holds the rape capital in its belly. As we drive in from Lanseria, we pass the hustle and bustle of that Dipesloot on the corner. It is huge and busy and full. Welcome to JHB. A place of huge wealth  and of course the harsh realities of post Apartheid SA. and yet......

Sunday and we decide to visit one of our churches in JHB. Christ Church Midrand. It is quite near to Diepsloot which is saying something in JHB. We rush because are late but we really should not have. Christ Church Midrand is a church we have longed to visit for a while now.  It is a church much like our own and we have links to it in many ways. It is also the church that has been tackling issues on diversity and culture in our denom and so we were quite excited. It is a beautiful , fresh, airy and  welcoming building. People were friendly but of course this is JHB after all, everyone is friendly and it is full  of black and white people. It was a refreshing and looking back obvious experience. I say this because, the City of Change has embraced and succeeded in doing something that we in Cape Town can not get right. it has embraced diversity and culture. It is no longer the white city of my youth but it is the beautiful city of the new South Africa. We loved it. It felt like home.

 Gods word was taught and we heard from him and were encouraged and challenged. It was good!  We looked out for old and new friends and found one. 

 After church we visited The Mall of Africa.  Once again, this confirmed all I have said about the city of Change. People of all colours , shopping before Christmas ; enjoying the day; eating alongside one another. living life -- together. On the outside at east because this experience does not really say much about the deepening of relationships for people in SA however the opportunities to do so are obvious.

 This is a photo of us outside Christ Church. That Joburg light  shines bright.

 We set off from Joburg to travel through Gauteng into Mpumelanga and on to The Kruger National park. Through White River and passed the coal industry of sA. The back bone of our electricity and of our pollution problem. A complex issue when seeing it up close. We must have passed 100 coal trucks in that one journey representing employment on a very large scale. This is a photo of a coal mine and the coal cleaning and sorting plant.

The far right photo is an electricity plant doing its thing.




 On and on we traveled o the many Toll roads  and through all that controversy. We stumbled upon the new university of Mpumalanga and here are some of the photos.

The farmlands of SA are also in part in these parts. Mangoes , bananas, avos , and earlier on mielies and cabbages. Row upon row of the food that feeds this country. 

 And finally at the park. 42 degrees and counting. The last time we visited the park, Doug and I, was about 20 years ago. Our kids had never been. We had an excellent time as a family and we enjoyed the many, many animals hiding in that enormous National asset. Another part of our country where change has not remained a distant friend. The park has not really changed from the point of view of the nature but in many ways; good ways ; it has changed a great deal. All the old style , Apartheid rangers  and people working behind all the desks are gone. All the rangers and park workers are from the area around The Park,

 The shops have freshened up and sell interesting South African creations although marketed for foreigners unfortunately. People were all friendly and well informed and it was an excellent and true SA experience. The picnic spots have turned into huge , bushveld eating areas with bathrooms and coffee bars and of course some bushveld meals. This was a big change from the " bring your own food" vibe. The other big change is the the blocking of all the smaller sandy roads. These are now private entries into private lodges which was annoying and which we did not always avoid. These are the really interesting roads and now they are out of bounds.

We saw almost every kind of baby  which was really special. this elephant was a tiny one and the one a leopard sort to get. This heard was having none of that.

 Traveling with teens through the park, I think we were the only lot rocking the roads to rap and the like . What a fun time.

 This dark photo is one from a night drive we did. It was brilliant. A busload of foreigners and a smattering of local SA people.

 We exited The Park via another gate and so got to see another part of the country. These are photos from the roadside shops as we zoomed by on route to catch our plane back to CT.

 Fields that carpeted the valley with bananas. As far as the eye could see.

 Beautiful Mpumelanga we miss you already and you gave my heart a zing. You are welcoming, extraordinary in all ways and you were a delight to enjoy. What a treat and encouragement.  As we left we saw local B&B and back packers  as people have grabbed opportunities for business that living on the border of The Park offers. So encouraging.

As we journeyed on singing and enjoying the trip, we chatted about what an encouragement our trip had been in terms of seeing our beautiful country again. Being stuck in the lovely CT kind of gives a skew view of things. This is an amazing country with amazing people and with good change happening and working. The fields are full, the rain was falling, the ground was bearing much fruit and change is ... it just is and that was so encouraging. This is not a country in collapse as many want to believe. It is a country full of real hope and many blessings . Of course we have many real issues but the South Africans we met are getting on with life despite it all. We have come back to the tip of our country after visiting the far corner and we are full. Thank you Lord.