ADHD - a heart response

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Like most if not all parents we want the best for our kids. As a Christian mom, I know that God wants the absolute best for our sons. He made them and knows them. He totally understands what makes each of them tick and he especially understands their ADHD.
The way God works out the best he has plained for our sons, often does not look like we think it should.( I have written a great deal about suffering and pain and God at work so will not go into this here. )

We trust him.
We know that in ALL things he is at work for our good and his glory.
Romans8:28

ADHD is the new normal for us as a family. We are learning and growing in understanding of what it all means and in how to help our boys manage themselves. This is for ALL our sons. However, the old way of operating just does not always work. I have written a great deal about this in other posts. 

One of the most heartbreaking of the ADHD struggle for our sons and for us is ODD.

Oppositional defiance. I wrote about what this is a little. 

I realised I left my heart out of it. The reason being ODD is such a heart breaking and difficult part of ADHD to parent. As a Christan I understand and experience MY own sinfulness and rebellion AND my children and their own sinful hearts and rebellion. However, ODD is something other. When we experience it we can see that it is a brain sticking thing. The brain is literally stuck in the NO answer to life. The challenge and refusal to try something, wear something, go somewhere, sit somewhere is CONSTANT and UNPREDICTABLE.

It is so frustrating and sad when the 'yes' solution for the child is so obvious and just a switch of 'something' away. I know that he just needs to ..... see the positive response which will be the better and easier one for him and quite frankly , us all. Yet,  his brain is simply stuck. AARG.

You can see ODD arrive and you can see it leave.Iit is like a switch in the brain. Afterwards it is sometimes as if the whole thing did not happen. The child is remorseful and sad sometimes. WE can reason with him and he "sees" . But in the moment he is simply just STUCK!

As I said yesterday research has shown that medication helps this trait associated with ADHD and for us it has totally done that. But the reality ODD still exists. 

I have cautiously, almost with one eye begun to read some of the help and suggestions and research around ODD. Some the routes people with ODD take in life are honestly quite frightening. The message is ...

ODD needs to be parented well and thoughtfully so that the child learns to manage himself and make good life choices. The idea that comes to mind is the cutting off of the wrong and dead on a plant and the training of the good and right. I know this is true for ALL our sons but  with our ADHD boys the way we do this looks different. It is different.

There is professional help with ODD.

Meds help and finding a workable way to parent is a necessity. 

We found going head to head with our son was futile and simply escalated into what looked like world war 3. All literature concludes that this approach is just not workable. 

Dr Green in Understanding ADHD has some hot tips for parenting ODD. 

His key advice to parenting ADHD and disciple are 

1. do not go head to head - taking a step back from confrontation

2. living by routine

3. rewarding the good. 

I love the idea of positive discipline and have experienced how and that it works well. The difficult thing is we seem to be wired as parents to notice the wrong all the time and we need to re -wire ourselves to notice and 'reward' the positive. 

ODD is a tricky aspect of ADHD. It is manageable with meds and with good parenting. These are awesome kids who have a brain that backfires on them. We are called to help  ( including train and discipline) and support them SO THAT they can learn and flourish.

One of the problems FOR modern parent is exhaustion. Having an ADHD family is doubly exhausting. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

Taking care of myself is essential. Something I am learning to do with God's grace.

Then I be a good mom to my kids.

ADHD - the most common associated trait is......

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Oppositional Defiance Disorder or ODD is the most common co morbid associated with ADHD. 

ODD is not caused by ADHD but is just more likely to be present when ADHD exists. 

According to  Dr Green from his book Understanding ADHD, between 40%-60% of ADHD children are oppositional. The typical ADHD lacks the necessary impulse control. The impulsive behaviour means that they are unthinking. The typical ODD behaviour is characterised by a great deal of 'NO" and stubborn, challenging, refusing kind of behaviour. In our experience, our boys exhibit ODD especially when ' stuck in the moment'. At these times we try not to use reason and debate. Time for discussion WILL come afterwards, when the child is unstuck and remorseful. 

ODD is very difficult to parent. It is tricky beyond tricky. We have really had to learn new ways of parenting and have turned to professionals for help, advice and support. Studies show that the use of medication definitely helps ODD and in our sons this has totally been the case. Meds have brought a calming to him. With the control of impulses the ODD behaviour does not spiral so much. 

People can be really judgemental when it comes to ODD and tend to blame bad parenting and bad children. There is definitely more at play than this simplistic approach. I always remind MYSELF that we are dealing with a neurological condition. 

Upskillng through reading GOOD literature on this topic has been really informative and helpful. 

Read, read and read again. Get help. It IS available. 

ADHD - Families under preasure

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ADHD is a family affair. If a child is diagnosed ADHD then there is a parent who is also ADHD, diagnosed or not. ADHD is a genetic neurological brain functioning that is atypical. 

Our family is an ADHD family. We have 4 boys and two of them are ADHD. My husband is ADHD. We are learning as much as we can about being ADHD so that we can function well as a family. 

This means we have a tricky job to do as parents. Not only do we need to figure out a new normal as husband and wife but we also have to walk the road of helping ALL our children learn, develop and grow into healthy adults who can MANAGE themselves and flourish.

I am so grateful we are Christians.

We have Jesus at work in and through us.

We have his real and active word, The Bible that guides and helps us.

It hems us in. 

He hems us in.

We have real wisdom.

We are able to understand this broken and sinful world in context and therefore live with freedom.

We have forgiveness for and from one another.

In this context we live.The new normal , for us , as a family defiantly DOES NOT look like any other.

We are and have had to figure out a new way of operating. 

An example of this is dinner around a table. 

This is the ideal for me but I have come to realise that 2 bouncy, wriggly children are not able to sit at a table FOR A LONG TIME. 

The may squirm and wriggle and hang off the chair. That is ok for us. We accept a new normal. We are often together chatting and eating but not often very still. 

So, we spend time together sharing and eating which is important for us as a family but it looks totally chaotic and shambolic to others. It is us!!

I have changed my expectations. 

The new normal.

The other example I have spoken about before is going out to restaurants or friends. Any outing where there is likely to be stress, over stimulation and lots of people or noise. We have come around to making sure our ADHD family members are medicated. We then talk a good deal about what we expect. We watch for warning signs of possible melt downs and react quickly to manage them. We do not just leave our kids to sort it out because experience has taught us that someone will get hurt. We hang out with people who love us and get our kids. They are part of the solution.

We leave, if we can, if things get hairy.

There are some things that have really helped our children to calm. A bath for the one and some quite , alone space for the other. 

Being an ADHD family is tiring. I think I especially hold that exhaustion. In chatting to other parents who have similar families, I think that the one spouse does seem to carry the weight of the thinking and planning and organising in the family - more than the other. This is ok. It is , for us, the new normal. It is helpful to acknowledge the exhausting moments ; to find a safe friend to share with ( no moan to) and to have some time carved out for replenishment of energy and strength. 

Alone time is good for me.

Painting is my happy space.

Spending time with God  is for me , a soul replenishment. He sets my mind on greater things and restores my sense of purpose. 

Always!

ADHD families are under a great deal of pressure. 

A diagnoses of any kind is always a surprise and the implications of ADHD are life changing. 

There are enormous decisions to be made . There is the constant 'work' involved in helping the child to manage himself well. There is so much to read and listen too which is both exciting and overwhelming. The is the stress and worry of all that COULD go wrong. There are the attitudes of the general public, teachers and other family members to negotiate. Remaining positive and upbeat all the time is nearly impossible.

Finding a support group was a life saver for me. Chatting to other moms is a great support and outlet. We share ideas and encourage one another. 

Information and reading of good literature can be enormously helpful.

Being patient and gentle on oneself is a must.

Keep on trying and never give up on your child. 

I know that our sons really need out support and help. All of them do. This will count for nearly all they need to fly. 

The key thing I remember. Jesus made us all. He knitted us together and knows everything there is to know about how we work. He is a real help in walking this walk and we depend totally on him. 

There are no mistakes. Our children are unique individuals. The new normal is no surprise to him, though it might be to us. 

Life with Jesus is a challenging adventure. 

ADHD - Is your ADHD teen using Dagga ?

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I am writing about Marijuana and ADHD . 

This link keeps coming up as a thread for ADHD teens and young adults. We have met a few adults who are ADHD and use this drug every day. 

 I have read a report written to Psychiatrists in South Africa. The findings in THAT report linked ADHD use of alchol and Marijuana or Dope or Dagga ( many more names).

I have listened to a talk at a support group where the same ideas from studies was expressed by an expert on child neurons and medication. 

 I heard it again on the talk by Dr. William Dobson . 

A question was asked about ADHD and addiction. Are ADHD people more prone to addiction.

The answer we do not like or want to hear as parents, is

Yes!

This make sense though. If  life is so tricky and a constant struggle to focus and maintain behaviour that is socially acceptable - things that run quite opposite the the way the ADHD brain functions, well then life can be really difficult.

Self- medication relieves the pain of the broken self-image that many ADHD children experience because the adults around them do not understand ADHD and therefore are little or no support. 

Drugs and alcohol help to deaden the pain of boredom.

Marijuana seems to be the drug of choice that helps ADHD impulse behaviour.

These are the findings. Teenagers and young adults and in fact adults who are ADHD who ARE NOT using ADHD Medication like Ritalin and Conserta etc, are found to use dope instead. The reason is that dope does what Ritalin and other meds do for the ADHD brain. It slows down hyper restlessness that most if not all ADHD people experience. In a real way, the use of Dope is a way to self- medicate. Of teens who do not use medication to help manage ADHD impulses , 60% will use Dagga to do this. When meds are involved the stas come down to the same as all other people who are not ADHD. My husband used Dope prolifically in his young adult life and he was an undiagnosed ADHD person. Dobson tells his parents of ADHD teens that either he medicates them of someone at a party will.

I hear his warning.
I write this post in particular with a hope that someone who is doubting medication as a real help for ADHD might reconsider.
I have experienced 2 loved ones using Dope as a life choice and experienced its destruction.
It is not a choice!

ADHD - on the rebound

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On the Rebound

The topic of medication is a hot one with regards to ADHD. One of the things I have again realise is that the debate rages in the public domain while the science of it is settled.

Dr.William Dobson’s talk on ADHD which anyone can download for free off ADDITUDE pod casts, shed so much light on this for us as a family. Somehow, when you hear the experts talk and they base their understanding on the facts of recent studies and experience, well it cuts through all the clutter around ADHD.

This has been a great and exciting weekend for us all as we have really learnt a great deal more about ADHD.

The result…

We are better equipped to help and support our sons so that they can manage themselves.

This is the end goal of all this for us.

All or children need to be able to manage themselves.

ADHD people struggle to regulate impulse behaviour and so they struggle to be available for learning. This means that they can not successfully learn to manage themselves.

As I have said before and have learnt again this weekend, medication plays a crucial role for the ADHD person. It help him to regulate the impulse behaviour so that he is then able to LEARN.

It is important to find the right dose of medication. What I learnt was that the manufacturers, all those years ago, made medication in more or less amounts. Some people need more that the amounts available and some need less. ADHD people need to experiment with meds so that they can find the perfect dose ‘FOR THEM’

When our boys come off the meds, when the meds wear off, sometimes their behaviour is difficult. Dobson explained that the behaviour is often all the worst of the difficult ADHD stuff. Crying, anger, stubbornness and more can be experienced at this point.  Stuck in the moment.  This is called THE REBOUND.

Dobson’s advice is, if it is really a difficult time for children that a equal amount of the last  dose of meds is needed. His view on medication was totally revolutionary. He is progressive in his advice. 

He wonders why we have to struggle with children around the dinner table and or doing homework BECAUSE meds have worn off?

An excellent question really.

There are other tips on helping kids and adults helping themselves at this time. Check out ADDITUDE website.

Doug and I  keep on saying that we are going to see so much change in understanding of Medication and HOW to ADMINISTER it.

ADHD - Put the breaks on.

When we first had our son diagnosed ADHD we began with a good educational psychologist.

He taught us something that I was reminded off by Dr William Dobson in his pod cast.

Slow down…. STOP……be in the 'now'!!

We learnt to understand the ADHD brain as having a Ferrari brain with bicycle brakes. I think this is so helpful for explaining the brain to a child.

Ritalin and other meds help the brakes function more effectively.

Meds help with impulse control….

Hyperactivity

Inattentive

Impulsive

But then what….

Well, the exciting thing is that the child is then what I call available to learn….

It is at this point that real other learning can happen. ADHD children and adults are often not aware of the effect they have on other people. There ability to read social cues does not work effectively BUT they can learn to read them better.

Dobson calls this Mindfulness. This is a psychological term and really is used in counselling. It is the idea that we can stop and think about ourselves and our behaviour in the moment. We can train ourselves to become self AWARE… this is different to self –INVOLVED but rather is a way of noticing what effect my behaviour is having on myself… the why of behaviour but more importantly for the ADHD child… the how my behaviour is effecting others.

I love this bit because a group of friend with kids on the spectrum were actually talking about this very thing.  That is, the idea that children are not really self aware. They simply just act. 

Part of growing up is becoming self aware and thinking about why and how we behave. 

Concious living.

This idea is really rich for me because it means we can help our ADHD children and in fact all our children to stop and really think about the effect of their beaviour.

A good example is an impulsive ADHD child's interrupting of conversations. This is something one of our children struggles with . He never seems to learn not to interrupt.

I am so excited to try and get him to start thinking about the effect that his interrupting has on others… ?? well see.

I guess that what he is saying is that the ADHD child can learn how do behave socially. A little like teaching an Autistic child to greet by shaking hands and making eye contact…. ( Temple Grande is a great story and movie illustrating this)

I really think we have to do some hard wok as a family on this front….

I often feel ‘sorry’ for my ADHD kids because of their struggles and so cut them slack. I think this is OK but not in the area of appropriate behaviour socially. 

We all need to function well so that we can live well.

ADHD , Exercise and Michael Phelps.

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What about exercise and ADHD?

The Michael Phelps Phenomenon

·       Exercise is important for us all. 

It is part of being healthy and human. Exercise for the ADHD brain is essential. In fact research  shows that an hour of exercise has a lasting effect on the brain for up to 3 hours.  This effect is the same as taking RITALIN. How profound!!

Michael Phelps the swimmer is ADHD and quite outspoken . He exercises at least 6 hours a day… everyday. He stopped taking Ritalin when he was 6. The extreme exercise has the same effect on the brain. 

So what does that leave us with…

I guess we ought to encourage our ADHD children to get moving!!

Our one son is naturally active and almost craves this movement. He has to do something physical every day and this need is insatiable. We have a gym membership and Squash is the order of the day. He plays hockey and loves to be MOVING.

Sport like cricket is excruciatingly boring for him.

I think it is wise to not only encourage sport but also to find out what sport suits.

Our other son is struggling to find a sporting activity that fits him. We are rolling through them. His little issues are related to the engaging in the activity struggle that ADHD brings AND sensory overload issues.

A good OT friend with an excellent knowledge of ADHD and neurons was helping me think through activities.

Squash brings a confined space with little distraction for the ADHD child and swimming is excellent because it allows the brain to ‘ switch off’ and just go. The repetitive motion through the water is extremely healthy for brain activity and soothing for the senses.

Healthy perseverance is something we are trying to help him with. So, yes he is not enjoying the activity A but we need to just go to then of the term or season so that the brain also learns about perseverance – good neurological connections and good God given habits.

Phew!! So much to ponder, think through and work out. And while your doing this - get moving!!