ADHD - a heart response

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Like most if not all parents we want the best for our kids. As a Christian mom, I know that God wants the absolute best for our sons. He made them and knows them. He totally understands what makes each of them tick and he especially understands their ADHD.
The way God works out the best he has plained for our sons, often does not look like we think it should.( I have written a great deal about suffering and pain and God at work so will not go into this here. )

We trust him.
We know that in ALL things he is at work for our good and his glory.
Romans8:28

ADHD is the new normal for us as a family. We are learning and growing in understanding of what it all means and in how to help our boys manage themselves. This is for ALL our sons. However, the old way of operating just does not always work. I have written a great deal about this in other posts. 

One of the most heartbreaking of the ADHD struggle for our sons and for us is ODD.

Oppositional defiance. I wrote about what this is a little. 

I realised I left my heart out of it. The reason being ODD is such a heart breaking and difficult part of ADHD to parent. As a Christan I understand and experience MY own sinfulness and rebellion AND my children and their own sinful hearts and rebellion. However, ODD is something other. When we experience it we can see that it is a brain sticking thing. The brain is literally stuck in the NO answer to life. The challenge and refusal to try something, wear something, go somewhere, sit somewhere is CONSTANT and UNPREDICTABLE.

It is so frustrating and sad when the 'yes' solution for the child is so obvious and just a switch of 'something' away. I know that he just needs to ..... see the positive response which will be the better and easier one for him and quite frankly , us all. Yet,  his brain is simply stuck. AARG.

You can see ODD arrive and you can see it leave.Iit is like a switch in the brain. Afterwards it is sometimes as if the whole thing did not happen. The child is remorseful and sad sometimes. WE can reason with him and he "sees" . But in the moment he is simply just STUCK!

As I said yesterday research has shown that medication helps this trait associated with ADHD and for us it has totally done that. But the reality ODD still exists. 

I have cautiously, almost with one eye begun to read some of the help and suggestions and research around ODD. Some the routes people with ODD take in life are honestly quite frightening. The message is ...

ODD needs to be parented well and thoughtfully so that the child learns to manage himself and make good life choices. The idea that comes to mind is the cutting off of the wrong and dead on a plant and the training of the good and right. I know this is true for ALL our sons but  with our ADHD boys the way we do this looks different. It is different.

There is professional help with ODD.

Meds help and finding a workable way to parent is a necessity. 

We found going head to head with our son was futile and simply escalated into what looked like world war 3. All literature concludes that this approach is just not workable. 

Dr Green in Understanding ADHD has some hot tips for parenting ODD. 

His key advice to parenting ADHD and disciple are 

1. do not go head to head - taking a step back from confrontation

2. living by routine

3. rewarding the good. 

I love the idea of positive discipline and have experienced how and that it works well. The difficult thing is we seem to be wired as parents to notice the wrong all the time and we need to re -wire ourselves to notice and 'reward' the positive. 

ODD is a tricky aspect of ADHD. It is manageable with meds and with good parenting. These are awesome kids who have a brain that backfires on them. We are called to help  ( including train and discipline) and support them SO THAT they can learn and flourish.

One of the problems FOR modern parent is exhaustion. Having an ADHD family is doubly exhausting. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

Taking care of myself is essential. Something I am learning to do with God's grace.

Then I be a good mom to my kids.