A Day in the Life - part 25 - My brother is ADHD - what about me?

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Every parent longs for their children to get along. Most parent want their children to build good relationships. I am one of those parents. We really pray that our boys will be good friends in their adult lives. I realise that having good, whole relationships requires work. These relationships surely begin to be forged in the home , along the journey to adulthood.

I have four boys. Two of them are diagnosed ADHD children. The other two are not. This is a post about the impact of ADHD on the family dynamics and on the "other" children in the family.   ADHD impacts family life enormously and it impacts the way people relate profoundly. I have learned a new way of relating to my ADHD husband which includes a change in expectations and a real deep understanding of the why and how of his ADHD strengths and weaknesses . Understanding ADHD means that I no longer get angry with those things that he might do because of his ADHD - his different brain.

ADHD needs to be understood by the siblings of ADHD children so that they can rightly interact with their brothers. This is a HUGE ask!!! After all children are children. They lack the adult ability to reason and are self focused. The question is -  How do the siblings of ADHD children experience them. What is the impact of the wirlwind that is ADHD on the OTHER children in the family. I think these are good questions to ask?  

Our ADHD boys have many strengths and weaknesses that are directly related to being ADHD. What this means for me as a mother of four boys is that my beautiful ADHD sons often......often take more of me. They require more input ...more help.... more thought ... more support.... more discipline ... just plain MORE. Of course this has an impact on the family and on the other children in it. I am so grateful that we are aware of this as parents and so really try and make time for the other two.  Giving more to one child is unfair. It is draining. it is time consuming. It can make the other children feel unloved. Being aware of this is part of the battle. Working hard at 'fixing' it is the other.

Because we have embraced ADHD we talk about it a lot and have talked to the boys about the struggles each has because he is ADHD. Growing patience and more patience is the really trying character trait for siblings of ADHD children. Having to forgive is another. I think these are really good character building traits to be growing as a person but for the sibling these continual times can be draining; really difficult and just plain unfair. "Why does my brother get all the time?" must be the mantra of a sibling of an ADHD child. Having to be creative and thoughtful as a parent is most definitely what parents need to be doing in these sorts of situations. The flip side is that the ADHD child is often the one who is having lots and lots of correction and discipline and steering in the right direction while the non-ADHD child might find he is 'off the hook" a lot more. This is also tricky for the parents because sometimes we are so caught up in the ADHD child's life that we really neglect the others. My oldest son often gets deeply frustrated with his ADHD brothers and their LOUD noisiness and BOLD business. He has had to struggle with impulsive behaviour as a sibling, just as much as we have to. Our boys share rooms and so that brings a real added dimension to ADHD struggles around order and chaos. Family life with ADHD children is complicated. It is a bit like being in a bowl of cooked spaghetti. A whole lot of messy muddle- in a really fun kind of way! The 'normal' parenting books and the 'run of the mil' marriage books just simply do not fit our family. WE have had to forge and find our own way. A new ADHD way!!

Siblings do not always get along in general. Because of the nature of impulsivity and the four seasons in a day emotional roller coaster of ADHD children,  children in families with ADHD especially might have times where they do not get along. This is all part of normal home life but in his book " Understanding ADHD, Christopher Green talks about the stress of ADHD on siblings. One of his sub-sections is called - invasion of space. I can so see this happening in our children and their lives as siblings. The fiddling fingers and impulsivity of ADHD children mean that they usually act without thinking or ASKING.  So rules around the problems that arise because of this need to be established.

There are good ideas in his book and on the ADDitude web site around some of the real issues with siblings and ADHD. 

ADHD children are often extremely talkative - non-stop demaning kind of talkative. This means that they try and own all the airtime in the family and have to learn to wait and give others a turn. Having fair air time is a constant struggle in our home. Consiously giving all the kids a turn to speak is high on the agenda

What helps me is remembering that I need to be  mindful of ALL my children ALL of the time even though some might need more of me ALL of the time.