#arementrash?

This week  has seen the escalating response to yet another child rape and murder  in the Western Cape. Courtney Pieters, only 3 years old, died at the hands of her rapist. 

Her little body was discovered in a shallow grave. 

Just prior to these events, #menaretrash hit the world of # 's. 

I have read some of the debate on social media and I have chosen to stay away from this very personal issue. I experienced #menaretrash at a very young age.

But, here I am, writing something about it.

Firstly do I think this # is valid?

Well, I have waxed and waned on this one and have landed  up with this position. Though it is harsh and seems to leave no space for those good men, I think it is not speaking to those men, but really collectively highlighting the terrible scourge of deep sexism , violence and violation of men generally towards women ,generally.

If it helps to draw people in and gets them thinking, well then it is helpful.

So, as I have said already , we have 4 sons. #we are encouraging/teaching them not to be trash.

We are having some really good conversations around this topical subject. Helping them think through what is acceptable, funny or just not on means we need to talk. 

Starting point 1

My sons have a father who lives at home with us and who is honestly and in his humanity showing our sons what a good man looks like. Not a perfect man but a good man. 

This one thing that our sons have puts them in the minority of situations for most boys in our country and indeed the world. Having an active, available father counts.

Starting point 2

Honesty means for us that we speak and act with our hands open in the honesty about what men struggle with. It is pointless telling our sons to just not think about girls in a sexual way without giving them reasons and or tools to help them when they do and how to deal with the shame of it.

Treating women as objects is wrong but Jesus helps us to see that thinking about women as objects is where it all starts.

Women are of equal value before the Lord and we should be treated as having equal value with each other.

Are men trash?

In South Africa, I experience sexism  almost every time I drive a car on the South African roads. Men drivers bully women drivers.

In South Africa we women have to endure male students holding up notices that say, "Show us your tits"

We are oggled and visually explored by strangers wherever we go. We are spoken about by men in demeaning ways. 

Young women can no longer go out and not be concerned that their drinks might be spiked.

It all starts young and it is evident in all parts of society. 

The list goes on.

In South Africa, women who live in places like Soweto, Khayelitsha, Guguletu, Lavendar hill, Capricorn Park, Hanover Park ets, etc: These women step out into the danger of rape every day as they go to and from work. Indeed, their very homes lack the security to keep people out and so they live in vulnerability all the time.

What about safety on taxi's?

When our domestic worker gave birth to a beautiful little baby girl, my heart cried out NO! 

How will she be safe as she grows up ?

Children are equally and all the more vulnerable. Many children have no safe place to play at home or near their homes.

How we address this scourge as South Africans is to voice it to start with and #menaretrash is offensive enough that it has brought light to this issue.

There after........ It is up to men and women to act. And acting they are. Today sees a march against violence for men to take part in ,in Joburg.

How we beat this and change generations of behaviour towards women?I Just do not know. Perhaps by starting one boy at a time. 

Encouraging teens to think through what their values are in relation to women is a great place to start. Putting a band aid merely on behaviour is not going to work .It is a heart issue.

Helping men to think through the role of pornography and its effects on the attitudes towards women must be encouraged.

I am pretty sure men can help think of their own healthy and helpful  responses to these very deep and pervasive issues in  our country. 

#goodmenriseup  is a call to all men who have a conscience to stand up and stand firm FOR women.

Thank you to those men who are honest and open and are really not trash. 

You know who you are!

13 Reasons Why?

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I have read two different articles on why one should not let teens watch 13 Reasons Why?

I asked some teens and parents their views on Face Book and then I decided to watch it for myself.

Like many women in South Africa, I do not come to this topic of rape and abuse without my own personal experiences and I knew that this movie would really move me. I just did not anticipate how very much.

Living in South Africa this week, I found myself feeling very, very angry at yet another rape and murder of a little girl of 3 and a 15 year old in the north of SA who stepped out for something and never came back. We live in South Africa, in a country that is familiar with violence against women ... against children. The general view of men of women is broken and distorted across all social groups and in different ways. #menaretrash over these past weeks, has highlighted this. No matter what you think about the # , this one hits the spot. Of course not all men , but many, many men see women as objects and give our history of dehumanizing people, this area is full for human beings who treat others in a dehumanized manner. 

13 Reasons Why simply gives a voice into the teen world reflect by the adult world. 

I am a mother of four sons. Did you catch that.... 4 sons and so I feel very much the burden of passing on a good,  healthy , godly male value set  to our sons particularly in the area of how these lovely young men relate to women. Relating to women was one of the reasons we chose a co - ed school for high school for them. Treating women in a right way with respect and equality while with them and while not with them , ie when with a group of just males, is part of the value set we hope to empart to them.

Having an honest and healthy relationship with a good dad is also part of this work.

Having a mom who calls them on their attitudes towards women, is another

Having a great youth group where these things are talked abut is the third .

having a great and mighty God who is shaping them into men who honour him by honouring women is the real deal.

I realize this is an enormous topic and this post will just lick at the surface of it BUT I hope that if you are a parent of a teen,  you will not only encourage your 16 year old to watch it BUT watch it with them. There is so much place for conversation and discussion.

Having said that, there are 3 hectic episodes. Before the two rape episodes they warn you.

2 graphic rape sense , one more than the other and one very real suicide.

One part where a boy masturbates to photos of girls also could be a point of struggle.

We fast forward through these parts in movies as a rule and have encouraged our kids to do the same.

The movie is hectically disturbing on many levels. Given that it is set in America , there are clearly some differences socially when comparing it to South Africa but once again the similarities for middle class kids is just to stark as to miss this opportunity.

The broad brushstrokes highlight the Lonely and painful world of a teenage girl who is painted as a loose and available girl. that one photograph taken that showed her panties as she slide down the slide was totally innocent but given a different slant on social media and shared with the world at school was indeed the very beginning of the end for her.

The other lonely and "desperate for belonging "teens are also exposed and their desperation cause them to hide the real truth on many levels. Kids of character are exposed throughout the series and when it comes down to it, some are able to be honest and others just can not.

The series explores the world of the teenager in just 13 episodes and exposes the chaos that I think is often real at school and especially at some parties.

Parents and teachers though they try and enter the world of these teens , seem to be cut off and the teens really lack trust in sharing their often hectic stories with anyone.

Loneliness, fear, betrayal, loss and hopelessness are some of the themes. The bigger themes include rape and of course suicide.
The jock culture which we can identify with in Sport obsessed SA and bullying in general is also explored. 

The last "redeeming" person is the school councilor who really just does not seem to have a clue. The question he asks her around her rape is this one. " Did you say no?"

Chatting with Doug about this we both have such an issue with this. This girl who was raped, no matter who she is, has experienced a trauma. She is then required to recall whether she actually said no or not. The question is unjust.  It should be given that it is no and only when she says yes , it is a go. 

In typical rape cases, the victim will fight, flee or disassociate and that is what Hannah Baker does. She leaves herself  so that she can literally survive this trauma and then she is required by the councilor to recall her words...... to verify her rape.

13 Reasons Why is excellent. It is a must for those who wish to open up some real conversation about how our behaviour.... our words really hurt on deep levels and those deep wounds are carried around with us every day.

Think before you speak and think before you post.

Doug and I watched the making of part to the series and it added the clincher for me. It was a very carefully thought through series with help from Standford University and mental health professionals. It was not taken lightly or made without a clear aim and focus. To raise awareness for parents and teachers of teens and to bring out of the darkness, into the light some of these heavy issues held by our teens.

I hope more people will watch it and use it as a tool for good conversation.

PS the language is real and terrible.... just saying!!

No Longer Slaves

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Phew. 

What interesting times we live in. 

Chaos seemingly reigns.

Every news item is an article on some big happening. North Korea, Syria and the like. Here, at home in South Africa we have some enormous obstacles to navigate. 

Obstacles of the heart.

 Of all the beautifully, painful things that are slowly emerging, among the many, this one stands out as most useful. 

Honesty.

Hard, real and vocal. 

People in South Africa of all cultures and colours are publicly beginning to share what is truly on their hearts. 

What is truly IN their hearts. 

Social media is alive with honest reflections both helpful and unhelpful. 

Some kind and others cutting. 

From deep anger through pain and frustration and of course the old friends.... guilt, shame. 

Our attitudes of the heart are being exposed. 

Including the racist heart. 

In truth, those who are the children from Apartheid, sit somewhere on the racist spetrum. 

We may not be hard core but every now and again, it's ugly head shows itself. We may never show it outwardly, but oh boy it lerks inwardly.

It is time to take a long, hard look at yourself. 

Face it, own it and deal with it. 

In Christ we can do this well, with his help. If we are in Christ we MUST do this. 

In Christ we are free and we are able to live lives that are ever changing. 

Free from the bondage of sin. Free to live for Jesus. 

This new found honesty is, I think,is a good thing. It has created a space for white South Africans to really challenge one another. 

With patient kindness but with honesty we can call one another on our racist attitudes and actions. 

Let us hold one another accountable. 

We have to face up to the reality which exists where white South Africans live on the fruits of Apartheid. We need to think through social justice and creative, sustainable ways to be a part of the solution that redresses the wrongs set up by our past.. We may not have been perpetrators but we are benifitiaries. 

The long legs of the result of apartheid live on today. 

So, if we call ourselves a Christ follower what are to do. 

Trust in Christ

Pray 

Ask for forgiveness

Repent 

Live in step with Gods word by his spirit

Live in the freedom Christ has bought for you.

Act justly. 

I think that really learning to listen to the stories of people who lived life under Apartheid and who suffer now as a result, is an excellent way to start understsnding. 

Developing empathy and kindness towards those who suffer daily is part of the good works God has planned for us to do. 

True Christ followers are actually able to get this right. Why would I say this? Well, we have been set free from bondage to self and sin and have Gods spirit within us. We CAN and MUST patiently listen to the OTHER voices. The voices of the broken and angry who have been left out in the cold. 

We are also set free to pray. And on our knees is where we need to be. Pleading before the father for his work to change our hearts and our minds.

To root out racism in our own hearts that may lurk there. 

Why do we need a mind change? 

In relation to ourselves we need to change and in relation to how we thing about others, we need to change

South Africa is a deeply divided country. Divided in any and every way possible. We do division really well. We were taught well. To change this narrative seems impossible. In Christ we can be part of the solution. We must be part of the solution. 

Seemingly insurmountable barriers to relationships exist. Colour, class, gender, culture. You name it. We have it. 

And even in the church , among Gods people, we are divided. 

Should we march or should we not?

Should we travel to Bloemfontein to join in the giant prayer meeting or should we not?

My feeling on these issues is this...

In Christ we are free. Free to march and free not to. Free to travel and free not to. However, the issue for me is HOW we march and HOW we pray and what good works that leads us to do.

The attitude of our hearts is where we need to be challenged. Talking and sharing and really listening so that we can grow in our understanding of poor people and their issues or students and their point of view. :middle class black people and their view. 

We, dare I say , white Christians have an obligation , in our freedom, to not be sloppy with our thinking. Nor to be complacent in our living out of the gospel. If Jesus loves us into death, and he did, then we must love generously, sacraficially,, a costly kind of love.. A love that counts. 

Let's begin. 

Dear Teenager

Dear Teenager

There are so many qualities I enjoy about you. Your energy and buzz ; the way you throw yourself into something that is interesting or meaningful to you. The fresh way you view the world around you.

Spending time with you in conversation is  mostly great fun and engaging. I for one, do enjoy they way you tick.

My mind is so full of many ideas, hopes and dreams I long to share with you as you journey on to full adulthood. 

I wonder what you make of us? 

The adult world ?

I guess , that much like anybody else, your private thoughts of us, the adults you encounter, are made public in your interactions with us.

Now, I get the hormones; the fatigue; the moodiness and bad day stuff and hey, I even get the "cool" factor although just saying it is over ratted and fades in time, so try not to spend too much time with it.  The so called cool kids at school simply don't stay cool at all.

Here are some observations!!

The woman you encounter in your day; your mother, your domestic helper ; teacher ; friends mothers - well they are actually all real human beings. They might wash and cook and lift you wherever your heart desires, but they are actually living , breathing people who have hopes, dreams, lives.

Treating one human being as human, well that is simply good, healthy human behaviour. Now I realise, we, the adult world have not modelled healthy human behaviour well and I appologise for this, however, I am sure YOU can do better.

So, when you encounter adults, men and women,  as they serve you, perhaps decide to greet them and treat them as fellow human beings.    Simply taking what you need from adults, especially women adults, might render you one of those adult males who go around treating woman as if they are a piece of dog poo on a shoe.

I realise this needs to be modelled and once again we have not don't this well either, BUT surely you can be the change!!

If you desire at all to be a person of Character, start while you are in your teens. Research shows that habits formed now stay with you into adulthood.

Can I encourage you to take a look around. I realise you are in that self phase, but do yourself an enormous favour and lift your eyes up out of the self. It would amaze you what you might discover. 

A hot tip from one who has been there before , after all we were all teenagers at one time or another, you will never say, " Boy I was so glad I only thought about myself only when I was a teenager. "

Yours in hope

a fellow human being

'

Whites in black

This week has seen some history in he making in South Africa. The call for our president Jacob Zuma to step down are not new but we saw them reach a new level during this weeks protest marches which took place on Friday. Social media is a wash with photos,  articles and posts. To march or not to march, this was the question ! Middle class, aging, hippy , (Doug calls me a liberal  and thats ok, christian and wife ... mother of 4 white sons. All these hats collide in this one decision.

Honesty it was painful. I umed and aaed. Jacob Zuma is not a worthy president and I do want him to step down. The complex issues around land and ecconomy and social justice have all  found a home in my indecision. And so I asked God for his insight and direction.

I landed on a prayer meeting in our home to start the day which was attended by a few dear woman. We wresteled and asked our requests of the Lord. As we sat in the comfortable lounge , sipping coffe and praying we could begin to hear the hooting and whooping from main road.

And so we went to check the lay of the land.......

I am no stranger to protest marches. My young adult days were in the heiht of the 80/90 when the country was in chaos . The struggle for freedom had reached its heiht and deals were beeing struck. It was a heady, scary, war time. Dougie was invovled with the NC as a representative on the JHB sub region. We were in the thick of things.  Marching back then was not for sissies but at least our white skin sort of saved us. Soldiers in big, yellow war machines looked on in disgust as we shared the way with the other but the same. These protesters meant business. Collecting stones to defend and break down.
It was always a risk to march pre 1994 . And yet if felt right. It was right.

One Unday afternoon, I remember the radio announced aother bomb...... Do0ugs feelow comrade Susan Keen had been killed. We wept and held each other. We went to the ANC lead funeral and wept some more. Oh cry for our beloved country.

And yet,.... here we are. How did we get here. I mean this collectively and personally.

And so I stood on the road side while Doug stayed away. It felt to me like a rugby game tour or one of those 2010 world football matches or perhaps a concert of sort. It felt like that more than a protest despite the calls and hoots. When it was over, we walked back to comfy suburbia . I did not feel like I personally accomplished much. You see my fellow white people and I have never really been on the same page politically. I have spent much of my life alone in my ideas . Except for Dougie. Of course. It is difficult being white and radical and christian. It is lonely.

This week the most exciting thing that happend was that on FaceBook, I stumbled upon great conversations and challenging conversations. There are in fCt other whiteys who are Christ followers who "get it".

Thank you Lord. The struggle within  and without continues.

A Blessing Indeed

It is that time again. Our third son ,S amuel David Falconer , turned 13. We invited our close and good friends around to share their blessings on being a teenager with Sam. It was a lovley, windy day and the lounge was full of noise and bustle.

We began with our Sam's precious godparents Col and Sam sharing with him.we are enormously priveledged to be in deep community with our brothers and sisters in Christ and I do not take this for granted. Man and women speaking truth over and in our son was a deeply moving and delightful thing. This little cerimony takes a while and yet everyone, including children, sit patiently listening. In reality, Sam might remember , well nothing of what was said. But God was honoured and glorified. SAM was prayed for and we were encouraged. What Sam will remember is the feelkng of that day. Tht people who love hi  shared and cared enoun to speak . He will remember the men who are available for any future time of advice. He will have felt loved.

Thank you to each person who came and shared life with us and thank you Jesus for again being who you are to us and for us.

Top Trump

One of the reasons I decided to start a blog was as a result of wanting to say more on forums such as Facebook and realizing that it was not the right space to do it. People can choose to read my blog posts or not.

So it is with the inauguration and the beginning of the presidency of Donald Trump.

My heart is full of concern and shock as we begin this presidency.
Almost daily he has managed to offend, tell half truths, and justify such things as torture  without reasoned argument but just because "it works!"

Duh! Of course it works but is it legal? 

This is a man who stirs the pot. He causes people to draw a line in the sand and he makes many people angry. Myself included!

He has brought people out in large numbers in protest of the ideals he stands for. 

However, the one thing I think he is that stands head and shoulders above all the issues people have with him is this one.

Danger!

He is dangerous for several reasons.

1. He creates his own truth or alternate truth.

This week we watched an interview with Trump where he over simplifies the issue; didn't manage to answer the questions; attacked the journalist who was interviewing him and twisted the truth. All of these points are concerning but I think the most concerning is his attack on truth.

Look at what he said about his own inauguration and the numbers.


. http://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2017/1/21/14347952/trump-spicer-press-conference-crowd-size-inauguration

This is a very helpful watch and I agree with this premise that it is TRUTH that is under attack.

Trump seems to be a bumbling man who does not  know his left from his right but perhaps there is more at stake here and his path is quite clear and direct. If only to him.


2. Donald Trump has managed , in is inaugural speech, to create confusion around who and what Christianity actually is. 

http://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/john-piper-s-prayer-for-donald-trump

I found This prayer for Trump extremely helpful.
I feel strongly that we, who are believers in Jesus, need to speak out against the misunderstanding that Trump and America represents Christianity.
America is NOT Gods Kingdom come on earth and Trump is not the saviour.

Jesus is for ALL people - Muslims and Mexicans, gay and lesbian people, black people and yes even women. God wants ALL people to come to a saving knowledge of Jesus and in repentance and faith come to know the living God and be saved from the consequence of sin.

ALL people.

The us and them speak." The we will sort you out " bully speak of his speech was not only deeply concerning but also deeply saddening.

3. The influence that his actions and words have do not just stay in America.

His sexist and racist ideas create a space for sexism and racism to raise their evil heads and thrive. Living in a country where we are desperately trying to work through the painful , destructive past where these ideals flourished, I find this reality extremely concerning. It is as if because he says it out loud  and with some authority , it makes it ok.

The way forward.

 *Pray for Donald Trump and his government.
 *Trust God because he is sovereign and nothing has slipped from his loving control and plan, even this.
* speak out- protest and do not be silent against evil
* be grateful for all that is good and those glimmers of heaven we see on earth