“This is the real
This is it!
This is life”, she told me
I have been pondering these words and have come up with this
Life is happening as we speak.
All of it, all of the time
Minute by minute.
That full up feeling wells up in me
Bringing with it tears of deep regret of things said and done
That I am not proud of
And deep longing for that which seems to be
Just out of reach.
What is it in me that can not escape?
The claws and grip of
That which should not be.
How much longer I struggle
and fight and hold on to that which is safe?
These questions swim in my mind and the answer
stands way off standing confused and daunted by the question itself.
Always out of reach, usually here for the taking but so hard to hold
Like a slippery rock or a slithering snake it squirms away, so that I can not hold it firm and secure.
How then do I press on?
My burden is heavy and closed.
These words I write help to clarify and expose that which chooses to fight and remain tightly shut up in the past.
The past is ever present you see.
It lurks and curls and is.
It is the ever present whisperer
“I am here and you are trapped”
If only I could rip the very heart of the past right out and shatter it beneath
It would swirl and shrivel in the light and die the death it aught.
The longing for what seems to never be is real and sad.
To trust and trust again is that which is hidden
It forms the core of all I am and sends out those soldiers that keep watch
Keep me safe
To trust and give myself to you is the hardest thing I have ever been called to do
Yet God you never lie and so I can trust you but do I?
Do I totally and with all my being trust the Living God who is the kind whisperer
who calls me, calls me to Him.
With my head I shout yes but with the core of who I am I am unsure.
I have a friend who is blind.
Trust is the essence I see as she allows herself to be lead
She journeys over ground that is unsure and unseen and yet she goes
Her vulnerability is tangible
I long to trust you Jesus just like that.
And so once again I ask the Alpha and Omega
Grant from your hand of grace that flows like a river
Grant me trust like this oh Son of Man
He who sits enthroned and King
He who rules the world and is
Real and love and kindness and compassion in all its essence
He who we worship
The Easter I am reminded of his great cost
His sacrifice and suffering for me
So that I may be set free from the bondage of sin and set free to love and live
For him, through him and, in him.
And yet I come again to humbly ask for more.
Who am I that the God of the Universe should even hear
Forgive me again Jesus
Thanks you for the cross
Thank you again for your love and care
I love you
From this love that you give
Help me to love the one you have given me
With a pure and true and trusting, deep love
This is my desire!
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