The ADHD Adventure!

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The Adventure called ADHD

Having an ADHD family is both an adventure and a journey.

Understanding the how and why of ADHD is both liberating and empowering.

I have written quite a collection of posts on ADHD from our perspective as a family who has one spouse on the spectrum and 2 of 4 children on the ADHD spectrum.

I began writing these posts as a real heart response to both our own experience of ADHD but also to those who God has brought along the way , who are on a very similar journey.

I have a profound and deep love my family.  I think coming from a family that split and broke in divorce I really KNOW the special thing that is Family. I really want us to treasure and hold it – lightly so that it does not become and idol but deeply so that it remains precious.

We have been on this extraordinary ADHD journey now for the last 6 years.  The more I read and learn about the way the ADHD brain functions, the more excited I become. It all makes sense.  It might not be easy but it at least makes sense.

 My hope and prayer is that the things I write will both educate and encourage. Perhaps even help those who are faced with the ADHD journey personally and need some advice.

Reversal of Destiny

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God is at work! He is at work in and through those of us who belong to him. We are his hands and feet , on earth.I have recently been part of a bible study where we are studying Esther with Beth Moore. The key main theme is - Reversal of Destiny. A complete turning around of the path of life that seems to be. Jesus is in the business of doing just this. In Esther , his plans of change are fit for a Queen, because that is what she is. Esther, the Queen is part of God's much bigger and more glorious story. His story of the redemption of mankind. Esther is but one part of this beautiful and strange story. A piece in his puzzle. In a way, we are also part of this big story. Jesus died on the cross to buy us FOR himself. He saved us from our sin and from having to experience his wrath and rightful judgement. He sets us apart FOR himself. At the right time he will call us home to be with him forever.

What of the life in between. What of this life, here on earth, while we live in the time between the cross and his return. What is this all about?

God is at work in us and through us.

We are his hands and his feet. He has given us good works to do. The good works are the ordinary things that cross our path as we live for him. Being a wife and mother for God is one good work; helping a friend might be another; taking a meal; listening; giving; sharing;opening a home; feeding the poor etc etc. Our good deeds all look different from one another. What fun!

this is the outer work.

The work through us. Being Jesus to others.

What about the inner work that God is doing.

He is also at work in us. This is called sanctification. It is the real and wonderfully good change that takes place inside of us. We are transformed first in our thinking. Jesus changes the way we think about him and ourselves. He is in the business of rewiring our brains so to speak. 

In fact, the brain is the one organ that can grow new neuron connections throughout a human life. What a joy!!

Change is real and able to happen on a nerve bases in our brains. Habits can change. Attitudes can change. thinking can change. Jesus and his word changes our thinking. 

We are changed first in our thinking and secondly in our very being. We are transformed from one degree of glory to another. There is a process of behavioural, attitude and thinking changes that happen. 

This is part of the reversal of fortune.

With our brain we decide to trust God and in our being we exercises trust. We step into that trust. As we exercises the 'thrust' muscle so the muscle develops. 

In stepping out into trusting Jesus he fashions trust within us. It is a ' us' and 'Jesus' at work picture.

Today someone at school said something to me that just spoke ' Reversal of Destiny' words to me. You see, 

given my history, my family life and my lack of any connection or understanding of who Jesus is and what he did - kind of childhood, well, my life was on a path. It had a destiny etched out for it. 

BUT

In my early 20's I met Jesus. He began his work in and through me. Some of that work has been very painful and difficult. Some still is. The key thing is he took me, picked me up, and placed me on the opposite path going in the opposite direction.

Reversal of Destiny.

Not only that , but he is building and growing our marriage and our family on a completely new and different path to the seeming destiny it all had. 

He has picked us up, dusted us off and put us on a totally different path going in a totally opposite direction.

Reversal of destiny.

Jesus continues to do this. 

I am praying that he will hold us there and continue to turn what seems to be the path into the unexpected. 

He is the God of ultimate Surprise!!

 

Loss of One Kind or Another

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This is for all who have and will experience LOSS of many kinds. 

We tend to talk and think about loss in relation to death only. While this is one of the types of brutal loss in this life, there are actually many other areas where people experience the pain of loss.  The loss of a dream or a hope. The loss of relathionship. The loss of work. The loss of being able to work. The loss of sound and rational mind; physical strength and health; loss of a childhood; loss of wholeness and broken emotions. All these , and more are different types of pain and loss. Grief rules this life. Jesus is the healer.  He is the one and only saviour!!

Loss of One Kind or Another

Today I felt your presence again

that sad, grey cloak that

comes 

and presses  in on my body,

the arms of which carress my soul.

You bring along a friend called hoplessness,

another called loneliness and sorrow.

these cling like a glove to a wet hand

When will you leave?

Today you paid me a visit, again.

you called out and reminded me

of hoplessness

of sadness

of lonliness

again

you called out and reminded me 

of all the loss

of lost dreams and broken hopes.

You laughed while you sank you teeth deep into my heart.

Again.

Can sorrow and pain not be quenched.

Can sadness and loneliness  not stay away?

Are the patterns of broken relathionships,

of  hollow promises,

of lack of commitment,

to be the order of the day.

whatever happened to trustworthy

faithful

hopeful

kind and really caring people?

where have they gone?

Have I died along with all of you too?

Is true friendship real?

Do people count for anything anymore?

or is it just all about My felt needs

and My comfort now?

How sad a world we have created.

I am reminded of  loss again...

I miss you so much.

I really do.

My hear aches to breaking with the loss of you.

that which could have been

that which should have been

but for brokeness that came in and cut us off from one another

so I can long for you
but

you do not come 

you can not come

you are no more.

Who can hold my breaking heart?

who can touch me in that deep place where that little ,dancing light 

has been snuffed out.

Can this loss be found?

Can it take on a new shape

a bold and beautiful shape

called LOVE.

I do not know the answer to this.

And yet there is HOPE

for all those who come to HIM

Does anyone care anymore?

Is anyone faithful anymore?

Is there one who is trustworthy?

Is there one who will fight for us?

My hear cries out - there just has to be?

Yes!

He is the suffering servant. 

He came to die that I might have life in him.

He totally understands 

He was broken and bruised and left alone.
Even his friends deserted him.

He was beaten and mocked and killed

He knows our pain 

He feels our loss

He is the one!!

He is powerful and bold.

He holds all things together by his word.

He is tender

faithful

and kind.

and he loves us more than we can ever imagine

or understand.

He is the one in whom all loss has meaning

in one way or another

perhaps even at one time or another.

He is the answer.

He is the one who holds me 

when it is too hard to get up

to hard to live and love again.

He is the one.

I have seen him fashion his love to hold those who have loss

of one kind or another.

He is so gentle and kind.

he cuts off options .. for some

and opens doors for others. 

He is at work and in control

with kindness and courage he moulds and shapes

faith

trust

steadfastness

truth

hope and peace

back into the heart of the broken one.

The Joy and Heartache that is - South Africa.

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Education is very much part of what is on my heart. I teach art and tutor children in maths, Afrikaans and IsiXhosa. It is a thrill to be a part of a child's development and learning. God has opened the door for me on so many fronts and I am so grateful for this. Talking about education is an obvious route. This weekend I had the opportunity to discuss with a friend about Special Needs Education in South Africa - something very close to HER heart. She is a champion of sorts in this field. We talked of the struggles and challenges to Special Needs Education and the overlap between school and special needs and those children struggling with learning for one reason or another. 

How can school better support those children who struggle? 

What happens when children fail?

Are there schools that can help children who fail?

How do these kids slot back into mainstream schooling?

Do schools want children that struggle?

These were some of the questions we were asking each other and have few answers for.

I think these are very relevant questions in today's world of education. I think many of these questions find an easy answer in Homeschooling. But Homeschooling is not without its issues and it is not something that everyone wants to do. 

So, we press on to try and find some answers and good solutions. 

God is at work!!

The conversation led on to some of the things that are happening in our Government schools where the less affluent and less fortunate go to learn. None of these stories are new to any of us because if you read the newspaper regularly you will from time to time come across these deeply sad and shocking stories. They each highlight the tragedy of education in our country. 20 years on from democracy children should be getting a better education. It is one of the rights of children in our land. While all children are in school - and that is something that has changed from the days of Apartheid, the quality and quantity of education is questionable. I can list the terrible stories but I will not. 

Except to say that the overall problem seems to be one of a real lack of leadership linked to vision and a will to really DO what needs to be DONE. 

When I look at our school in contrast I am reminded of the privilege we have in education and what a variety of areas that our children can and do experience. Sport, music , art , drama and then all the learning in the classroom. Yes we have our issues BUT our children are being blessed by learning and growing in safety and with teachers who care, work hard and a head that is leading and has a vision. 

I am an optimist.

I believe in people.

I really believe that we ( South Africa) can turn this cart around. With the right people in place and the will to do it , it can be done.

With this in mind I began to trawl the Mail and Guardian on Sunday. I came across this brilliantly uplifting article. 

' Love of Rugby trumps racial stereotypes" by Victoria John

It tells the beautiful story of a high school in Limpopo deep in the heart of traditional white racism. This school coach has turned things around. He has boldly and with determination brought the best players into the team. 9 out of the 15 are black. These kids are excellent players and this school is winning left right and centre. In the midst of racial taunts and abuse this team focuses on The Game and it is working. Unity and building into these boys by a wise and brave coach has meant that a small but certain change has taken place. 

It takes one person to stand up and do what is right.

This story blew me away and warmed my heart. In the midst of the chaos that was left from the brokenness of Apartheid, are people. Individuals like this man who are scattered across this land. They are DOING what is right and little by little they are bringing change.

I salute you Andre Hay and your amazing team. 

 

God I pray for many more people like this to be raised up.

Lord we beg for mercy for our education system in this land.

Lord have mercy!!

 

A day in the Life- part 26 - Please can I play? ( The draw of the internet and gaming for the ADHD child)

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Our boys all love playing computer and other games on the screen. It is enormous fun.  They enjoy many different kinds of games and the very best at the moment is Minecraft.

What is the link, if any between ADHD and playing screen games?

This past month we had our son assessed by a hearing and language specialist. As a part of her assessment she gave us, the parents, an article to read on TV, the Internet and computer games.

It was not really new stuff to us but it always good to be reminded of the pros's and con's of computer and screen games. 

The connection between ADHD and computer time has been a subject close to our hearts. As flagged up by the therapist, we are totally aware of the pull of computer to child.

ADHD children have a craving for computer games that seems to be more than the average child. There is an addiction type pull. Research shows this to be true. 

There are many reasons why an ADHD child would love and love computer games. 

Here are some of the reasons that  an ADHD child might find computer time especially the Internet and gaming a huge draw – a struggle and even an addiction.

An ADHD child is easily bored. I wrote about this in A Day in the Life Part 2 - I am Bored.
 He might really struggle to engage in an activity if the activity does not grab him. Mundane tasks hold no appeal to the ADHD brain. Step in the screen. Computers and the like offer instant gratification and constant action. We have found this to be true for all our boys but especially our ADHD children. What I mean by this is there is a draw towards the screen and playing games that is almost insatiable. It seems to provide an escape from the real world of ADHD struggle and so is a safe and fun and very exciting place to be. This is totally fun BUT research shows and our assessment information on this topic REMINDED us of the essential need for time limits and breaks from the screen.

We use timers in our home and each child is allowed half and hour. It is however a constant battle to make sure that time is kept and that not too much screen time rules. We often experience the RULING of the screen.

Research I read shows that in the teen years this Internet and gaming addiction amongst especially ADHD kids is a problem.

It is so easy to work with a ‘perhaps’ problem and to be aware of what might be a trip up for ADHD kids.

I asked one of my sons today if he feels sad when he can not get to play. He told me that not it is not really a big deal for him. We talked about it a bit and then he said this profound thing….. mom I think ADHD kids just like playing computer because it is interesting for them . In a nut shell. It is easy to engage and great fun. No stress and no ‘ getting stuff wrong’ and no ‘ having to focus’ --- it is the simpler option.

Through the Storm of life and Despite it.

Life can be so difficult sometimes. Yes, there are the great times, full of joy and God’s good gifts. But somehow, in the midst of all the joy or even just alongside it or after it, might come some real times of hardship, struggle, pain and difficulty.

Jesus said we are to expect this. He told us that in this world we WILL have troubles but that we can take heart, be encouraged , be strong in him because HE Has OVERCOME the world.

I have written on trials and struggles before. I have , in God’s grace , experienced both great joys and deep troubled waters. I know what hardship tastes like… what it looks like… what it feels like. How slow the feet of those who struggle. How , like magnets, their shoes hold them down.  When I write these things, it is not just theory for me. I have tasted and seen that the Lord IS Good. He is real and holds us up in times of struggle and trial. In fact I want to argue that he does his best work in us and though us at these times.

I know that is not what we want to hear, but if we belong to Jesus, in other words, we are saved by his death on the cross, well then struggles and hardships take on a new slant.

I love Beth Moore Bible studies. One of the things she talks about with struggles is naming them rightly. In our busy, self-focused, western lives, we sometimes think that being inconvenienced are struggles. She reminds us that being made late by a slow driver or not finding a parking or having the wrong couch delivered are actually not trials. Yes we need to have the right godly attitude when these things come along . If we think these are trials we are in for a shock when the real pain and struggles come along.

At this point in time I know several people who are walking through some very deep life stuff. Cancer and chemo ; the pain of watching a child flounder and struggle to learn; unfaithful spouses; broken relationships; fear and loss; financial issues and mental brokenness as well as emotional damage. The list goes on.

Life is tough!! Lives are broken!

 

Romans 8:28 – And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him , who have been called according to HIS purpose.

These words always comfort me. The reason being….. God is at work in ALL things. The God who spoke the universe into being and holds all things together, this same God is at work in all things – both good and bad things…. And what is more than this, he is at work for my GOOD. 

Struggles have a purpose. God is at work in them for my good. He is refining me, changing me and growing me into the person he has called me to be. So that my life will bring GLORY to him. I do not endure hardship for my sake. But rather Jesus is working in me and through me… he is helping me and growing me in the midst of hardship and struggle so that HE is shown to be who he is.

Because God is totally sovereign over creation and rules the world with justice and righteousness I know that all things that happen in my life are completely in his control. They might seem out of control to me but they are in his control.

I also know that nothing can separate us from God’s love that he expressed in Jesus Christ our Lord. We are totally loved always and forever and totally safe if we are in Christ.

The thing about struggles and trials is that we can be taken totally unawares by them. I am not one of those people; those Christians who can say, as many can, that when the first huge, huge struggle came along -- I was ready. I was not ready. It was a time of enormous emotional and mental and spiritual turmoil. I did not feel sure footed and I did not feel safe. But God held me and grew me. As I excercised the muscle of faith and trust so the muscle of faith and trust in Jesus grew stronger. I wonder if walking through trials is a bit like this for everyone. The more we practice trust and steadfast faith in Jesus the more we grow to trust him. All I know is I have throught a great deal about suffereing and pain as a Chrisitan since then. I have worked hard at trying to sort out the purpose of it all in my thinking and praying around these things with the Lord SO THAT next time I am taken by surprise I will be more prepared. 

Jesus said... in this world you will have trials and struggles of many kind. It will come. 

What will you allow HIM to do with it? 

A Day in the Life - part 25 - My brother is ADHD - what about me?

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Every parent longs for their children to get along. Most parent want their children to build good relationships. I am one of those parents. We really pray that our boys will be good friends in their adult lives. I realise that having good, whole relationships requires work. These relationships surely begin to be forged in the home , along the journey to adulthood.

I have four boys. Two of them are diagnosed ADHD children. The other two are not. This is a post about the impact of ADHD on the family dynamics and on the "other" children in the family.   ADHD impacts family life enormously and it impacts the way people relate profoundly. I have learned a new way of relating to my ADHD husband which includes a change in expectations and a real deep understanding of the why and how of his ADHD strengths and weaknesses . Understanding ADHD means that I no longer get angry with those things that he might do because of his ADHD - his different brain.

ADHD needs to be understood by the siblings of ADHD children so that they can rightly interact with their brothers. This is a HUGE ask!!! After all children are children. They lack the adult ability to reason and are self focused. The question is -  How do the siblings of ADHD children experience them. What is the impact of the wirlwind that is ADHD on the OTHER children in the family. I think these are good questions to ask?  

Our ADHD boys have many strengths and weaknesses that are directly related to being ADHD. What this means for me as a mother of four boys is that my beautiful ADHD sons often......often take more of me. They require more input ...more help.... more thought ... more support.... more discipline ... just plain MORE. Of course this has an impact on the family and on the other children in it. I am so grateful that we are aware of this as parents and so really try and make time for the other two.  Giving more to one child is unfair. It is draining. it is time consuming. It can make the other children feel unloved. Being aware of this is part of the battle. Working hard at 'fixing' it is the other.

Because we have embraced ADHD we talk about it a lot and have talked to the boys about the struggles each has because he is ADHD. Growing patience and more patience is the really trying character trait for siblings of ADHD children. Having to forgive is another. I think these are really good character building traits to be growing as a person but for the sibling these continual times can be draining; really difficult and just plain unfair. "Why does my brother get all the time?" must be the mantra of a sibling of an ADHD child. Having to be creative and thoughtful as a parent is most definitely what parents need to be doing in these sorts of situations. The flip side is that the ADHD child is often the one who is having lots and lots of correction and discipline and steering in the right direction while the non-ADHD child might find he is 'off the hook" a lot more. This is also tricky for the parents because sometimes we are so caught up in the ADHD child's life that we really neglect the others. My oldest son often gets deeply frustrated with his ADHD brothers and their LOUD noisiness and BOLD business. He has had to struggle with impulsive behaviour as a sibling, just as much as we have to. Our boys share rooms and so that brings a real added dimension to ADHD struggles around order and chaos. Family life with ADHD children is complicated. It is a bit like being in a bowl of cooked spaghetti. A whole lot of messy muddle- in a really fun kind of way! The 'normal' parenting books and the 'run of the mil' marriage books just simply do not fit our family. WE have had to forge and find our own way. A new ADHD way!!

Siblings do not always get along in general. Because of the nature of impulsivity and the four seasons in a day emotional roller coaster of ADHD children,  children in families with ADHD especially might have times where they do not get along. This is all part of normal home life but in his book " Understanding ADHD, Christopher Green talks about the stress of ADHD on siblings. One of his sub-sections is called - invasion of space. I can so see this happening in our children and their lives as siblings. The fiddling fingers and impulsivity of ADHD children mean that they usually act without thinking or ASKING.  So rules around the problems that arise because of this need to be established.

There are good ideas in his book and on the ADDitude web site around some of the real issues with siblings and ADHD. 

ADHD children are often extremely talkative - non-stop demaning kind of talkative. This means that they try and own all the airtime in the family and have to learn to wait and give others a turn. Having fair air time is a constant struggle in our home. Consiously giving all the kids a turn to speak is high on the agenda

What helps me is remembering that I need to be  mindful of ALL my children ALL of the time even though some might need more of me ALL of the time.