Do you know the song by U2 called "stuck in the moment"?
We often sing this song in our home. It is a great title to a good song and it describes what happens to my boys who are ADHD. It happens a great deal.
I call it being stuck in the moment and they just can not get out of it.
The "stuck' time is something that happens in their brain especially in connection with a frustrating time or something that has not quite worked the way it "should" have , in their little minds. It comes when the Lego knife is missing or the shoes feel uncomfortable or I just can not find something to do and when I do not have a playdate but my brother does. It comes when something feels unfair and overwhelming or when something sudden has to change. And example of this is when my son is playing at something and despite several time warnings, it comes time to leave the game.
The way we experience this as parents is that our boys get stuck - as if thinking the same thoughts over and over - and they just can not shift that thought . a Stuck time is also friends with anger and sadness ; tears and shouting or just plain deep disappointed whimpering.
Being stuck in a moment can last from 5 minutes up to an hour in our home.
I find it extremely stressful and challenging whenever one of my boys get stuck in their emotions and thinking. I ll be honest with you and go as far as to say I try and avoid these times. But the ADHD brain gets stuck when it pleases and so we have had to learn and are indeed still learning to navigate these parenting times. I have to say we fail probably more than we succeed. We have tried many different approaches. In the very beginning, when our youngest was small, we tried smacking but I have to say this is something that has not worked with him. It simply makes him more angry or more stuck. With some help from an Educational Psychologist, we asked him what would work better in these moments. Did he want us to hold him and make him feel safe or should we leave him alone. I think that we have found a bit of both works.... at times.
Setting boundaries for these times was something we got help with. Things like
1. you may not lock a door in your moment
2. you may not hurt someone
3. lets try and not shout at each other
Both our boys have said some jolly hard things at these times. We have learnt not to take these personally.
We have also learnt not to try and reason or discuss the behaviour while he is stuck in it. He is almost incapable of "hearing" anything . We save the talking until afterwards and there is always an afterwards.
Almost as if a switch has been pushed in the brain, the 'stuck' moment passes and the old self is back. He will often feel ashamed and sad about how he behaved.
I have spoken to countless other mothers who have children on the ADHD spectrum and they experience much the same kind of brain freeze or emotional/ behaviour "stuckness".
Just today someone told me a story of her son who could" just not let it go" and how frustrating and difficult it can be to parent positively and " never get irritated or annoyed.
As always I am so grateful for our God who is a very real help in time of need. He offers forgiveness and a real fresh start with him and with each other.
I know that when I muck up as a mom and get it so wrong I am able to be forgiven and ask for forgiveness from my dear, darling boys.
For them too, as they grow and breath this life I can see God at work in them as he helps them to grasp who he is and in so doing offers them real help in their "stuck" moments.
Next time ... take a breath, ask for his help and press on with his patience and grace.
Almost as if a switch has been pushed in the brain, the 'stuck' moment passes and the old self is back. He will often feel ashamed and sad about how he behaved.
I have spoken to countless other mothers who have children on the ADHD spectrum and they experience much the same kind of brain freeze or emotional/ behaviour "stuckness".
Just today someone told me a story of her son who could" just not let it go" and how frustrating and difficult it can be to parent positively and " never get irritated or annoyed.
As always I am so grateful for our God who is a very real help in time of need. He offers forgiveness and a real fresh start with him and with each other.
I know that when I muck up as a mom and get it so wrong I am able to be forgiven and ask for forgiveness from my dear, darling boys.
For them too, as they grow and breath this life I can see God at work in them as he helps them to grasp who he is and in so doing offers them real help in their "stuck" moments.
Next time ... take a breath, ask for his help and press on with his patience and grace.
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