Are you a "good enough" mom?

http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1346200237431_7081787.png'good enough' 

In our more vulnerable and honest moments with each other, the truth is revealed. If we are a mother, we feel like we are failing in our 'job'. 

I have these kinds of conversations with myself and with other honest women a great deal. There is enormous pressure on the modern mother.Pressure to be the all singing and dancing mother.... to always get it right.... to know our child deeply and to understand his or her every need.... to get it right all of the time... to be a perfect mother. And why ever not. After all we live in the age of information and real knowledge around human behavior and emotions. We understand the way people tick and really there is no reason not to get it 100% right , all of the time. We are hard on ourselves and hold ourselves to an incredibly high standard.

Striving for the perfect in myself causes me to expect the perfect in others and in this case my children. The perfect picture child is bound up without any space to just be a child. Children make mistakes. They get things wrong. They mess up. These mistakes and messes are all part of learning. it is surely in  and through our mistakes that we learn a great deal.
I think if we relax a little we will allow ourselves to enjoy our children more and allow them to enjoy their childhood a great deal.

In reality we are not perfect parents. We will never be perfect and I think that, that is totally OK. Being a good mom is good enough. Every time I release myself from the pressure and burden  of perfection I find a freedom and rediscover the fun of parenting. It is a relentless and at times difficult job. it is often thankless and did I say relentless. :) If we can somehow, be set free from the shackles of trying so darn hard to be something we are not.... well then we find something better.

Being a Christian always helps me with the "striving for perfection" idea or pull within myself and without in our society. God is perfect in every way. I am not!! His work in my life and the grace I find to parent well especially when things are difficult, are the very real things that help me rest in my imperfection and allow me to ask forgiveness for the times I mess up.

I am a work in progress and his Jesus' hands he is transforming me. Being a mother is a work in progress. God is transforming me especially in and through my parenting. In that place where our vulnerability ; dreams and hopes   collide with reality - that place called parenting - well, it is in the middle of all this that I find God at work most. He is fashioning patience and crafting selflessness in ME. He is showing me where my pride is and revealing those hidden idols.  Being a  parent in Gods gracious hands is a revealing work of art. Parenting exposes my sinful , imperfect heart and if I am honest with God , he can get to work.

The journey of motherhood for me has been one of unshackling and discovering exactly what it is that I am as a woman and mother ; in this family under the circumstances we are living in and given all that we have and are. I have read many  a parenting book on "How to get it.... well just perfect".... and frankly they really are of little help in  the midst of real life with sinful children and a sinful mother. Lets add in a dash of ADHD and I very quickly found these sorts of books fairly irrelevant. However, there are helpful , insightful books which can give wisdom and good advice  - perhaps just find the one that fits your personality and your family.:)

So, are you a "good enough" mom ?

It is a great question to ask and to find the answer too. I really want to be just good enough!!!

It is so difficult to explain.

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Today I had a conversation with our eldest son that brought back memories. He was asking me about the play and musical 'Sarafina'. We have not only seen it and loved it back in the day but have the music from it. We began to talk about what school was like in the days of Apartheid. growing up as a white , English speaking girl in Apartheid , divided South Africa meant that our school was full of ONLY white people. 

As we chatted and I shared something of the story of Sarafina, I realised how darn difficult it is to explain, really explain what it was really like growing up in Apartheid South Africa. The sad desperation of our youth and the harrowing , angry days that spread out into our early 20's. South Africa, through the eyes of a 13 year old, today, is somewhat different. Yes, not perfect and perhaps still full of poverty and hopelessness for many, in some ways but I think we forget how truly horrid those days were. 

They were sad and deeply desperate days.  Days full of chaos, death and killing. I for one am so, so very grateful that our children do not have to grow up in those dark times.

I talked a little of the books that changed my life. Cry the Beloved Country that God used to open my eyes and full the fire of my youth. I am grateful for teachers who stepped out and were counted. The one or two who dared to tell the truth about the country we were living in. 

The truth remains. it is difficult to explain what it was like. I am left with, I think you must ask Karen what it was like going to school in Apartheid. May we somehow be able to explain our sad and broken past to this and future generations. 

Thanks to museums that help keep our rich and also sad heritage alive.

May we never return there. 

God bless South Africa!!

A blessing for a teacher

Each year I like to write a personal little note to our sons teachers.

This year is no different. I was inspired to write something general to ALL who teacher. The reality is that , if you are a parent, you are a teacher too. Regardless of where or how your children are schooled, we are, at some or other level a teacher of sorts. So, I write this note to ALL who teach.

It is especailly though for our teachers at our school and for those beyond its gates who ahve touched the lives of our children this year. 

This is the first of the last for us as a family. Our eldest son is ending off his year at Sweet Valley Primary. He has been there, growing, flourishing, learning for the past 7 years. We have been enormously blessed as a family by his experience at this school. More than that, as I sit to write , I realise that these teachers who have been a big part of James' life over the past 7 years, have been exceptional  in so many ways.

As I write to each person and as I reflect, I realise once again what a profound work of art a teaching job is. It is the opportunity to shift and change a life. It is the work of inspiring a child with something bigger than himself. These teachers have each, in their own way, done for our eldest son, what I could not do alone. For some it is also the opportunity to reflect a rich and real trust in Jesus through their work and we are especially grateful for this too.

These teachers have fanned into life that which is within. As we enjoyed the arts and cultural prize giving last night, I was so encouraged by the children and their learning and growing.

Behind each child stands a teacher.

 Each teacher is a treasure to us.

They are without a doubt, precious to us. 

They have been the other voice that encourages and helps, that teaches and trains, that directs. It has not all been perfect, of course but it has been good. Rich , deep and good!!

So, I end off with a public, blog post, blessing for each teacher at our school and especially those who have touched our lives as a family and inspired all our children to greater things..... but especially as we end off grade 7 -- for our James.

Indeed, not just at our school but for those who taught James as he traveled to Bulgaria and showed him another part of life and all its richness.

Thanks you from the very fullness of our hearts.

May God bless you with health, strength , patience and trust in him. May your life overflow with abundant joy. May God continue to bless you with grace for ALL children and may you each continue to work in his world knowing that what you do counts.  There is a very big picture at work as you labour with one child.

Thank you!!

Do I have a relathionship with my mobile phone?

This post is about my observations  and  thoughts around mobile phones and other technology.
My husband is a computer programmer and so it goes without saying , that computers rock in our home. Being married to a computer man is something of an oxymoron for me. I was one of those lentils and beans 60's type women. I totally did not 'believe' in technology and neither did I think it had much value in our lives.
I held extremely strong views on children and TV for example and computers and children.... well there was nothing that a good board game could not teach. In some ways, the TV and computer ideas are ideas I still hold quite strongly but not so firmly. They are strung in the loose reigns of reality, modern parenting ; the 21st C and experience. That is without adding that ADHD children have this 'thing' with screens. :) 

Needless to say I am no longer a technophobe and actually I love my computer and phone.

( We still do not have a TV or microwave but hey, we are connected)

Having said all this I press on to what I actually want to say about cell phone relationships.

I am not the first to write on this topic and nor will I be the last. My thoughts do not flow from massive research but just from stepping back, stopping and observing others and myself. They also come from the thinking we are doing around our 13 year and his phone. 

This weekend I had the pleasure of going away with some darling women. it was such a special blessing to me for many reasons. 

One of these was that I was alone.

For those of you with children, you will understand exactly what I mean but for those of you who have more than 2 children, you will feel what I mean. 

My raw and frayed nerves were refreshed , just by being alone. In fact, one of the women asked me if I wanted company on my journey. I was actually ok being alone.

Being alone with myself gave me time to think, sing and pray.

I digress!!

One of the other blessings was spending real time with a great bunch of women. 

The long chats and deep care we shared was truly something special and unique.
It is important for me to connect ,in the flesh with people.
I suspect it is esential to us as people to conect in the flesh with people. We are after all relathional beings.

That night, as my friend and I lay chatting I stumbled across something. As we talked and shared, she regularly began a conversation with someone else. Someone who was not in the room. We were sharing our intimate  with each other with regular interuptions from another conversation taking place on her phone.
Now , having done some good thinking back, I have done this very thing.
The interesting thing was that it began to annoy me.
I felt as if she really was only half listening to me.
It was not only annoying but it was a little hurtful.

 There really is something about giving good attention to someone while listening.

Since then I have stopped and observed others and my own behaviour. 

The truth is that our phones are an extension of our bodies ; our minds; our relationships depend upon us texting - not calling- but texting and our everyday relationships are littered with interruptions from either us or from someone else demanding our attention. Please do not get me wrong. I love that I can send a message to a friend or to my husband during the day. It is great to be able to quickly and immediately make relational contact.  A great deal of my planning and organising of life is done via technology.

It works ! It is another way of connecting. A valid way of connecting. The modern way.

But a part of me is challenged and saddened that the 'other' relationship - the sms or whatsup demands our fickle attention and so the one we are face to face with, suffers. I am ashamed of my own behaviour and lack of careful attention to my husband, children and friends who I have partially ignored because I was busy texting.
I wonder how much these interuptions are building barriers to deep relathionships. How much are we struggling to really listen to another person... really listen. Real listening and understanding requires paying attention, eye contact and the like.
I might be making too much of this but I urge you to 'watch' yourself and your attitude towards your own phone and time spent on it.

I know that I call people far less than I used to. I text them now.  Par to of this, for me, is time and cost but it is interesting how we have shifted in our relating to people.


What can be done?

So, I for one am trying to be more intentional about the present relationship. I also say things like..... Just hold on a moment with that thought while I finish this text because I really want to listen to you.
I am trying to call people a little more.
I really do not want my phone to rule my relathionships. I need to rule it!

 

The First of the last!

On Friday evening we celebrated our Sweet Valley School Grade 7 farewell. It began with a group of some of James' friends and our friends who came around to our home for a pre-dinner chat and drink.

It was a smart occasion for these young men!!

 A walk down memory lane!! this is a group of grade 3 children when the present grade 7's were in grade 3!!

 Look  at this darling picture. !!!

 Grade 5 oral. Making biltong. Feels like it was yesterday!!

 A life time friend and may God continue to grow these two darling lads into men after his own heart!!!

I love that each has a hint of their personality in the choice of clothing.

The theme was ... The Carnival!!

What a spledid spread from the decore to the food. 

It was all a delight.

The grade 7 children introduced each other in groups. Each child was introduced and non was left out. I love this part very much. 

There was a section where the kids could perform song items, musical items, dance and there was even a flame twister. 

It was all very special indeed.

As I reflect personally on this phase of our son, James' journey through childhood, I find myself faced with a real mixture of thoughts and emotions.

On the one front, he is more than ready to leave primary school and head on to things more teen suitable on the physical, emotional and intelectual front. And so we celebrate with him this passing of time. This right of passage so to speak.

It is a time of year full of hope and promise and exctitment. 

And yet, at the very same time, there is a whole lot of sadness and I guess healthy loss.

We have spent the past 7 years at a great school where very rich experiences have been built inot our son. He has had the privaledge of enjoying excellent and extrodinary teachers who have helped to shape and grow James in the young man we have befor us. There have been opportunities to travel, explore gifts and talents, build lovely friendships and  enjoy responsibililty on many levels. 

And so we celebrate grade 7 with joy , hope and sadness.

May God continue to bless and grow this young man into the future as he journeys on to another school.

We are mindful of the speed at which these years at school fly by and so I renew my decision to enjoy them with our 3 sons who remain!!