#arementrash?

This week  has seen the escalating response to yet another child rape and murder  in the Western Cape. Courtney Pieters, only 3 years old, died at the hands of her rapist. 

Her little body was discovered in a shallow grave. 

Just prior to these events, #menaretrash hit the world of # 's. 

I have read some of the debate on social media and I have chosen to stay away from this very personal issue. I experienced #menaretrash at a very young age.

But, here I am, writing something about it.

Firstly do I think this # is valid?

Well, I have waxed and waned on this one and have landed  up with this position. Though it is harsh and seems to leave no space for those good men, I think it is not speaking to those men, but really collectively highlighting the terrible scourge of deep sexism , violence and violation of men generally towards women ,generally.

If it helps to draw people in and gets them thinking, well then it is helpful.

So, as I have said already , we have 4 sons. #we are encouraging/teaching them not to be trash.

We are having some really good conversations around this topical subject. Helping them think through what is acceptable, funny or just not on means we need to talk. 

Starting point 1

My sons have a father who lives at home with us and who is honestly and in his humanity showing our sons what a good man looks like. Not a perfect man but a good man. 

This one thing that our sons have puts them in the minority of situations for most boys in our country and indeed the world. Having an active, available father counts.

Starting point 2

Honesty means for us that we speak and act with our hands open in the honesty about what men struggle with. It is pointless telling our sons to just not think about girls in a sexual way without giving them reasons and or tools to help them when they do and how to deal with the shame of it.

Treating women as objects is wrong but Jesus helps us to see that thinking about women as objects is where it all starts.

Women are of equal value before the Lord and we should be treated as having equal value with each other.

Are men trash?

In South Africa, I experience sexism  almost every time I drive a car on the South African roads. Men drivers bully women drivers.

In South Africa we women have to endure male students holding up notices that say, "Show us your tits"

We are oggled and visually explored by strangers wherever we go. We are spoken about by men in demeaning ways. 

Young women can no longer go out and not be concerned that their drinks might be spiked.

It all starts young and it is evident in all parts of society. 

The list goes on.

In South Africa, women who live in places like Soweto, Khayelitsha, Guguletu, Lavendar hill, Capricorn Park, Hanover Park ets, etc: These women step out into the danger of rape every day as they go to and from work. Indeed, their very homes lack the security to keep people out and so they live in vulnerability all the time.

What about safety on taxi's?

When our domestic worker gave birth to a beautiful little baby girl, my heart cried out NO! 

How will she be safe as she grows up ?

Children are equally and all the more vulnerable. Many children have no safe place to play at home or near their homes.

How we address this scourge as South Africans is to voice it to start with and #menaretrash is offensive enough that it has brought light to this issue.

There after........ It is up to men and women to act. And acting they are. Today sees a march against violence for men to take part in ,in Joburg.

How we beat this and change generations of behaviour towards women?I Just do not know. Perhaps by starting one boy at a time. 

Encouraging teens to think through what their values are in relation to women is a great place to start. Putting a band aid merely on behaviour is not going to work .It is a heart issue.

Helping men to think through the role of pornography and its effects on the attitudes towards women must be encouraged.

I am pretty sure men can help think of their own healthy and helpful  responses to these very deep and pervasive issues in  our country. 

#goodmenriseup  is a call to all men who have a conscience to stand up and stand firm FOR women.

Thank you to those men who are honest and open and are really not trash. 

You know who you are!

13 Reasons Why?

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I have read two different articles on why one should not let teens watch 13 Reasons Why?

I asked some teens and parents their views on Face Book and then I decided to watch it for myself.

Like many women in South Africa, I do not come to this topic of rape and abuse without my own personal experiences and I knew that this movie would really move me. I just did not anticipate how very much.

Living in South Africa this week, I found myself feeling very, very angry at yet another rape and murder of a little girl of 3 and a 15 year old in the north of SA who stepped out for something and never came back. We live in South Africa, in a country that is familiar with violence against women ... against children. The general view of men of women is broken and distorted across all social groups and in different ways. #menaretrash over these past weeks, has highlighted this. No matter what you think about the # , this one hits the spot. Of course not all men , but many, many men see women as objects and give our history of dehumanizing people, this area is full for human beings who treat others in a dehumanized manner. 

13 Reasons Why simply gives a voice into the teen world reflect by the adult world. 

I am a mother of four sons. Did you catch that.... 4 sons and so I feel very much the burden of passing on a good,  healthy , godly male value set  to our sons particularly in the area of how these lovely young men relate to women. Relating to women was one of the reasons we chose a co - ed school for high school for them. Treating women in a right way with respect and equality while with them and while not with them , ie when with a group of just males, is part of the value set we hope to empart to them.

Having an honest and healthy relationship with a good dad is also part of this work.

Having a mom who calls them on their attitudes towards women, is another

Having a great youth group where these things are talked abut is the third .

having a great and mighty God who is shaping them into men who honour him by honouring women is the real deal.

I realize this is an enormous topic and this post will just lick at the surface of it BUT I hope that if you are a parent of a teen,  you will not only encourage your 16 year old to watch it BUT watch it with them. There is so much place for conversation and discussion.

Having said that, there are 3 hectic episodes. Before the two rape episodes they warn you.

2 graphic rape sense , one more than the other and one very real suicide.

One part where a boy masturbates to photos of girls also could be a point of struggle.

We fast forward through these parts in movies as a rule and have encouraged our kids to do the same.

The movie is hectically disturbing on many levels. Given that it is set in America , there are clearly some differences socially when comparing it to South Africa but once again the similarities for middle class kids is just to stark as to miss this opportunity.

The broad brushstrokes highlight the Lonely and painful world of a teenage girl who is painted as a loose and available girl. that one photograph taken that showed her panties as she slide down the slide was totally innocent but given a different slant on social media and shared with the world at school was indeed the very beginning of the end for her.

The other lonely and "desperate for belonging "teens are also exposed and their desperation cause them to hide the real truth on many levels. Kids of character are exposed throughout the series and when it comes down to it, some are able to be honest and others just can not.

The series explores the world of the teenager in just 13 episodes and exposes the chaos that I think is often real at school and especially at some parties.

Parents and teachers though they try and enter the world of these teens , seem to be cut off and the teens really lack trust in sharing their often hectic stories with anyone.

Loneliness, fear, betrayal, loss and hopelessness are some of the themes. The bigger themes include rape and of course suicide.
The jock culture which we can identify with in Sport obsessed SA and bullying in general is also explored. 

The last "redeeming" person is the school councilor who really just does not seem to have a clue. The question he asks her around her rape is this one. " Did you say no?"

Chatting with Doug about this we both have such an issue with this. This girl who was raped, no matter who she is, has experienced a trauma. She is then required to recall whether she actually said no or not. The question is unjust.  It should be given that it is no and only when she says yes , it is a go. 

In typical rape cases, the victim will fight, flee or disassociate and that is what Hannah Baker does. She leaves herself  so that she can literally survive this trauma and then she is required by the councilor to recall her words...... to verify her rape.

13 Reasons Why is excellent. It is a must for those who wish to open up some real conversation about how our behaviour.... our words really hurt on deep levels and those deep wounds are carried around with us every day.

Think before you speak and think before you post.

Doug and I watched the making of part to the series and it added the clincher for me. It was a very carefully thought through series with help from Standford University and mental health professionals. It was not taken lightly or made without a clear aim and focus. To raise awareness for parents and teachers of teens and to bring out of the darkness, into the light some of these heavy issues held by our teens.

I hope more people will watch it and use it as a tool for good conversation.

PS the language is real and terrible.... just saying!!