on the complexity of relathionships ....

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Relathionships

Relationships hold the potential to be both exceptionally beautiful and building and vicious and destroying. Sometimes they simply hover in the in-between. that space which is neither building or breaking but just irritating.

Relationships are complex and complicated.

They are grown and expressed through the web of life, love, disappointments and circumstances , not forgetting the "stuff" that childhood brings with it nor the realities of difficulties brought through ADHD; depression; bi-polar and other personal struggles.

and so I say this...

Relationships are complex.

Healthy relationships take a great deal of commitment, honesty and jolly hard work.

I have experienced both the joy and beauty of good, healthy relationships and the deep sadness of those that just do not make it.

Like many people reading this post, I have witnessed relationships dear and near to me simply break down and break up and people walk away from each other with deep wounds and scars.

I carry each of you in my heart and prayers, regularly!

As a Christian, there are some key truths that hold with any and every relationship. These I have found , not just as words found in an old , dusty , irrelevant book. But just as I found the truths written in that old , perhaps long forgotten book - the bible- living and breathing and alive. True!

Grasping the first is in essence the key that unlocks all the others. In any relationship, there are two sinful people. Sin is such a deceiver. It whispers the lie that it is the other to blame and or that I deserve better. Sin is no friend of good , healthy , growing relationships. It is bossy, power seeking, self- seeking and deeply, deeply selfish. It is the " always having to be right"  and" I have to have my needs met" stuff. Sin holds onto hurts and refuses forgiveness. In recognising myself as a sinner I recognise that I hold a very important part of any good and bad relationship.

The second truth of all relationships flows from the first. If I recognise my sin ( and as a Christian I have found forgiveness in Jesus ) well, then it is regular and real that I will hold out the hand of forgiveness to others, especially those near and dear. 

Forgiveness is a key to good, healthy growing relationships. It is the very thing that affords any troubled relationship that opportunity to change. It is the space created for something else. It is not cheap and it came at a cost but if I truly understand my forgiveness before a holy God then I can and must offer forgiveness towards others.

Tim Keller describes forgiveness in a helpful way. It is recognising a debt is owed and absorbing the debt into yourself. That is exactly what Jesus did for me and for you on the cross.

The path and choice of forgiveness is a journey. One I have had to walk and no doubt will have to walk in the future. It is painful and can be lengthy. How do you know if you have forgiven someone.

Well, do you pick up the "thing" and hold it against them or have you laid it down?

The third truth in relationships is also linked to the first. Good relationships will not flourish if I am self- serving and self- seeking. If I choose to serve others in love then there is a space created for kindness and joy to flourish.

I have a very good friend who is an excellent example of this truth. Her husband has been really unwell for about 2 years now. One of the things that has helped him, is a radical and drastic change in all things diet. This has fallen very heavily onto her shoulders. I have only 2x seen her get really frustrated about her husbands situation( not hers mind you) and I have watched her and continue to watch her serve him, cook his weird food, love him with kindness that is self denying and through this she shines out Jesus love to him and to others. thank you my friend for this example!!

These 3 truths are by no means the ONLY things that help in relationships but for now these are them.

recognising your position - a sinner

offering and living in constant forgiveness

serving others

Finally I would like to write a word about God and his work in our relationships.

Romans 8:28 tells us that God is at work in ALL situations - for his glory and our good - if we belong to him.

In the messiness of relationships , and boy they can get messy:(,  God is at work. I have held on to this truth and experienced it in my life. God has worked a miracle in my  life and he can in yours BUT you have to work with him and trust him and obey!

Chatting to people who are in the thick of things, I often will remind them of this truth , and there is a real wall of non-belief. I guess this is because the pain and hardship weighs to heavy. I get this. I truly do! I have sat in that chair. What I did was, I chose to trust God DESPITE what the circumstances looked like.  But having come out the other side and seen God at work , I can testify that he will help you and he can save that relationship, if you just let him.

It is worth it.

What a Farewell!

This is our Tom!!

It is a night to celebrate and thank God for. We are grateful for our second sons achievements at his primary school. Sweet Valley has been a great school for him. Tonight we celebrate and thank God for his gift of intellect that our Tom has. 

 He is a brother  to 3 boys  who love him very, very much!!

He has a darling teacher in Althea Muller and she has really brought the best out in him!! And many more, Ian, Paul and Cindy.... thank you!

Tonight, Tom earned the best overall academic award of the grade 7 year. He came top of his grade. Not only was I proud, but I really loved the support of friends who trully love our Tom and came to congratulate him. Despite his ADHD he has overcome, thanks be to God!! Tom we salute your hard work and dedication. You trully earned your reward!

Carrying you in my heart - the loss of a child to suicide

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Today , a family at our high school bury their daughter. A bright , beautiful 15 year old, with her life stretching before her.

Almost a year ago, another beautiful family buried their son of 13. 

Suicide is a hard and harsh reality in our South African context. The statistics are high and , if we listen closely, we know that these teens are hurting, struggling, longing and crying out to us.

Will we hear?

Reading the countless tributes to this young, beautiful woman, my heart wept.

In, truth it has been weeping all week for his parents and siblings; for her friends; for our school

and her previous school. 

Lord can you comfort today and in the weeks that lie ahead. Go to those places, those secret places, where no-one can go. Place your hand of loving kindness upon this family , today and comfort their deep and forever pain in the loss of this child..... their child.

People have asked me.... do we know why?

why?

That answer may never be but what is true is that she is no longer here..... 

and a whole lot of people are hurting.

My heart is burdened for our teens.

The tremendous pressure to conform; be liked; fit in is real and reigns over these precious young people like a cloak waiting to smother them.

There is pain in finding identity.

There are some great books and web sites for parents and teens.

James Dobsons book for teens called , " Preparing for Adolescence" is an excellent book and interestingly his very first chapter is all about the dangers of finding identity down the wrong road.

http://www.edudemic.com/classroom-strategies-for-helping-depressed-teen-students/

http://understandingteenagers.com.au/blog/2010/08/10-signs-of-low-self-esteem-in-teenagers/

Lets love them

*

What in the world are we doing?

This is a photograph of our 4 sons. It was taken some years back now and ,James, our eldest son is 15 and in High School. All our boys play sport and each of them plays at a different level and at different degrees. We are a hockey family. We are also an ADHD family but above all we are a Christ following family.

The title of this post is "what in the world are we doing?" Because it ks a question that has plagued my mind over the years and which I revisited yesterday, as I stood alongside the hockey astro. Mind you it is present in the classroom, in the home, in my art room, in the homeschooling environment, and even in church.

The thing I am talking about here is competition. That driving to be the best or better than the person along side us. I am not against a bit of healthy competion and nor am I blind to the reality that some have within them a competitive nature. I have written about it in relation to ADHD and our son. I get it, and yet I don't.

You see , yesterday I witnessed something so pitiful, so deeply sad and shocking, It made me angry. I experienced darling parents, who collect their children along side me at the school gate, turn ugly. Primarily their focus was on their own child and so so e might say there is nothing in that. However, the most haunting statement I took way was this one, " you are better than they are" and I tjouht to myself doesn't this encapsulate the heart of what competition is for us, as parents.

You are better.

This was a school, in house, 8 and 9 year old , fun hockey match.

So, I thought I would write and just maybe, maybe someone will hear.

Character counts more than being better than someone. That is simply an outward measure. How a child wins or looses, how he or she treats his team mates and the opposing side is what counts. It is what will remain , at the very end.

Character, who you are when the chips are down. Fateful, kind, other centred, encouraging, thoughtful, a good winner and great looser.

I plead with parents, be aware, be careful, be sure and be prepared to reap what you sow with your mouth. Our children....all of them are listening.
Sport is a brilliant place to learn all sorts of good and healthy things , for life itself. I fear that all our children are learning is that they are better than the next child.

Despite ADHD conquering his world

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Our son Thomas is 13 years old. He is grade 7 which is the last year of primary school in the South African school system. Next year, he will join our oldest son at one of the top high schools in the Western Cape. We are thrilled at all this.

Let me tell you something about Thomas.

He is an energetic, fun, sport loving, highly inquisitive, bright and challenging child. 

He is one of the hardest working children I have met, and I have worked with many children , tutoring them in Maths and Afrikaans, in addition to having my own four children. I dont just say this because he is my son. I say this because it is true. over weekends and into the night he will set his mind to a task. He will say not to a beloved hockey fun gathering so he can complete a science poster. 

Thomas!

Thomas is off to Hong Kong this Thursday, as part of a team of 4 children. They are taking part in an international Maths competition.

Thomas is a highly gifted child. We have known this since he could speak. God has given him a fabulous brain which works well and is fun to share in. May god grant Thomas the grace to use it for Gods glory!

Thomas has achieved exception in Hockey and squash , art and in academics. He is an exceptional child with a fast Wit and great sense of humour.

Lazy is not part of his vocab!

Thomas is ADHD. 

He is impulsive in body,  speech, actions , emotions and thought. He is exceptionally fast thinker and talker!

To win an argument is tricky. To get a word in is almost impossible.

He is a joy and a challenge to parent.

He is supper bright and a great kid,

We love him with all our heart!

Thomas has achieved exceptional things, considering ADHD. 

He has to work harder, overcome more, contain his wondering thoughts, navigate daily boredom, study three times as hard as another child - conquering his working memory struggle and he keeps on track with his impulsive brain in tow!

For those who do not know ADHD or live with it, these words will seem, well ho hum, but for those who get it; have it; love it and live it, you will understand that against the odds, this child has really done exceptionally well.

He deserves the praise- double time!!

It has not been easy - not the work content - but the work load; not the understanding but the remembering and holding the mundane and boring ( for him) so he can use it again. 

Thomas Adam Falconer , you have surprised us all and conquored much. Well done darling boy. We are grateful for his school where opportunities have been offered for children like Thomas to grab and go. 

 May god continue to be merciful as you journey on into high school. God is glorified in you as you live for him!

Go Team Hong Kong South Africa.

Being the best you were made to be - Caren Falconer ( booklet )

Dear Reader.

 I have written this for the children I tutor. Please feel free to copy and use it with your own children. Over the years I have found that children need to have a bigger vision of their education than is offered to them. Why are they at school? What is the purpose of maths and Xhosa. 

 This booklet does not really answer that but perhaps is a launch for some good conversations around that.

 I hold that education is a gem. A real privilege . A gift offered to a child but a gift that he has to take and own for himself. Yes we support and help and encourage from the sideline, but in the process he has to take the batton and run the race. I hope this little booklet helps to shift attitudes  and help him to take a step towards owning his education.

 That is what this book is all about!!!

How to be the best you were made to be!!

Do you want to do your best at school?

 If your answer is yes, then read on.

I have put together some HOT tips for doing YOUR very best at school.

I have taken them from a very helpful little book by Dave Schaller called passing exams. I have also added some of my own ideas from all the work you have helped me with over these years and from having 4 of my own children.

I really hope this will inspire you to always give of your own, personal best. When you work hard; listen well; work your neatest and participate in class, the winner is actually ...

YOU!!

Giving of your best in all of life is about your character. It shows what kind of person you are. It reflects that you care about yourself and others. This is called respect!!

Hot tip #1

Set yourself a personal goal and try not compare yourself with other children!!

Going to school is part of getting an education. This  is a special gift that your parents are giving you. Many children in our country and in the world are not able to learn and grow as people who can live healthy lives in the world. It is such a privilege to be able to learn to read, write and think.

My hope is that some of  what you read here, might inspire you to work the best you can and reach for success.

Only YOU can do it!!

Ask a parent to read this with you and help you think through some of the ideas.

Hot tip #2

YOU are the one who is responsible for your success at school.

You are the one who benefits from the success.

It is all done by you and you will get the reward.

Your parents have passed these tests and this grade.

Yes, there are several people who are here to help and support you.

* your parents

* your family

* your teacher

* your tutor

* other adults who care

BUT

in the end, it is up to you!!

What is your goal for your schooling ?

Why do you go to school?

Going to school is about .........................

Perhaps  you are motivated to work well because you want to do well. You want to know that you have done your very best. This is a good goal to have for yourself.

Write down why you think you go to school and what your own personal goal is. Share it with someone.

Perhaps you want to be popular. Wanting to succeed means you need to surround yourself with friends who also want to succeed!!!

If your friends are lazy, disruptive and don't care, that will rub off on you and you will become someone who does not care.

*

How do you fell about tests, assignments and exams?

How you feel will influence your attitude towards these aspects of school.

If you are negative and moan about them then this attitude will get in the way of your success in studying.

What is your attitude towards exams and tests?

Have a think and write it down here........

Hot tip #3

If you want to succeed in your schooling and at exams, you need to have the right ingredient.....

a good, positive attitude!!

Exams always seem to make us groan but actually if we think differently about them, they become easier to do.

Here is a list of why exam time is actually fun.

* schoolwork finishes

* school closes early

*perhaps you get yummy treats to eat

* in High school you might get days off at home

* in our family we get to spend some good time together because we are not so busy at school

you can add to this list with your own ideas......

Having a good approach in attitude to schoolwork and exams really helps you do well and be successful!!

*

Getting an education is of great value in life. It will open the doors to many other opportunities in life as you go forward. This part is just a stepping stone to the next bit.

so....

How can you be successful and do well at school?

what do you think?............................

 Hot tip #4

One of the things that help you do your best is if you decide to work consistently throughout the term and the year.

Working well in class is working smart. If you pay attention to the lessons, ask questions and participate in it, you will develop a healthy, good attitude towards school.

Strangely, your brain is very sensitive to the messages you feed it. If you work hard at being positive, it will mean that studying is easier for you and you will do better over all.

Your brain believes the messages you tell it about yourself and your school work. If you say things like....

I can do it....

I am able to.....

I like or even love maths....

Even if I struggle I will get help .....

then you are helping your brain think positively about work.

But

If you say I can not do it....

I hate it.....

then you are making the work you have to do, more difficult.

Hot tip #5

Habits.

A habit is something that you begin doing regularly  and eventually it becomes part of who you are. Habits can be good - like reading regularly or bad like biting your nails. A habit becomes part of your day and the way you live.

here are some healthy - good habits to develop

1. Reading ---- If you read  every day you become a good reader - you are a reader by habit There is a saying that is helpful!! 

 

“Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny.”― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

2. Exercise -  doing some form of exercise in the week and especially when you are writing exams is extremely good for you.

3. Eating - We all love to eat something. Eating healthy food and drinking water regularly helps feed our brains and bodies with stuff that it an use. Our brain can then help us learn!!

Developing good habits at school and with your school work, means you are helping yourself do your very best now and later on in your life.

What can you do to develop good habits at school and with your school work? What habits can you develop at home or at church. Everywhere you go, healthy habits are a good way to go. 

Make your own list of good, healthy habits .......

Today you can decide to develop self discipline and hard work at school, in the classroom, in doing homework and with exam studying.

Healthy habits begin with working consistently throughout the year.

work neatly in your book.

listen well and join in with the class discussion

do your own personal best.

DO NOT compare yourself to others.

Surround yourself with friends who choose success and be a friend that encourages others to succeed.

Hot tip #6

Decide to do it and commit to it!!

Over the years I have helped children succeed at school, I have noticed that the way a book is set out helps with the general organising of ideas in your brain.

It is helpful to yourself, if you always...

Work in an organised way when writing in a workbook or on a computer tablet.

Have a date, heading, page number if you have a textbook.

Try and work consistently ( in the same way) on each page.

You do not need to be super neat and colourful to be organised. Boys can be organised too!!

underline

work as neatly as YOU can.

write complete sentences and all the work required ( not just the answer)

If you work like this throughout the year, then studying is a pleasure.

Participate in class discussions. This helps school become more interesting.

Do all your homework on time!!

Hot tip #7

Get help if you need it.

If you feel that you are struggling  at school. Perhaps you do not understand everything. Perhaps you are not able to concentrate. Perhaps you are tired and sleepy and perhaps you just can not get organised.

Get help!!!!

Ask your teacher or parent to help you. there are people who help children who struggle with all sorts of things.

Hot tip #8

Keep going.

Persevere.

You do not need to be the best of all. You need to do your best.

Studying for tests and exams

1. most of the work was done in class and with your homework. You know it.

2. make sure you have all the right books to study from

3. have a place to study ( quiet)

4. have paper and pens ( colourful) handy

5. have a timer

6. set up a helpful planning time table - stick it up in a good place with your exam time table

7. get enough sleep, exercise and healthy food while studying and writing tests/ exams

8. begin with enough time to study well and revise

9. go for it!!!

10. do not be afraid. Fear shuts your brain down and you can not learn or write with success in mind. You do not need to fear a test if you have

worked consistently

studied well

Rescue remedy helps with anxiety.

*

a word about study techniques....

Mind maps -There are many ways to help your brain gather and remember information

Making a mind map is a very useful way to take large amounts of work and simplify them .

Other ideas -

Use white board markers to write on windows and fridge doors to help you remember. ( ask mom first)

Find any way that helps you get the information into your head.

You might need to move; talk to yourself; bounce a ball.

All the while thinking about what you are learning. It must make sense in your brain!!

Practice writing a past test if you can.

Practice writing neatly for the test so that your teacher can read your writing.

Ask your mom or dad to ask you some questions from your work.

But

don't expect them to learn for you.

You must do this for yourself. 

You can make flash cards for learning pairs of words like opposites in Afrikaans and English or even if you need to learn a list of definitions in science.

Put the one idea on one side and the other on the other side.

Flip them over to check yourself.

Reading over your work is not studying. It is reading.

Remember all this hard work is done by you and you will be the one who gets the reward.

Success and an education is a great reward.

Being educated is a precious gem that no-one can take from you and it is a door that opens into a world of possibilities!!

The ADHD treatment wheel - Model 4 LADD

This module is all about the treatment of ADHD. lets face it, if we have an ADHD family, we are desperate for help on the treatment side. We might even have spent hours upon hours researching the many promises of curing ADHD but as Dave Pughe-Parry rightly reminds us, there is no cure. 

BUT....

We can treat ADHD !!

Dave has used the multi-disciplinary approach to treating ADHD which he explains using a wheel. 

Dave places his treatment wheel firmly on the foundation of unconditional love. The very act of loving our ADHD children ( and of course all our children) says that we love them but not the behaviour. that we take time out to praise the child's efforts. That we set real and inspiring goals for them and not unrealistic mountains of" what can you do next time " - thus squashing the life out of the ADHD child bu the overwhelming and unattainable. This was very compelling for me as a mom of 3 ADHD children and a husband who is ADHD.  

The treatment wheel includes 8 areas which can support and grow the ADHD child and indeed adults. 

Dave stresses that these areas , when used simultaneously, hold the best outcome for the child or adult.

Calm, thoughtful research is essential, according to Dave, and I would agree with this outlook. It is a good idea , when faced with the ADHD diagnoses, to keep a level head. 

The Multi-Disciplinary approach in this module are very helpful indeed.

These include both tried and tested treatments and those that work for all ADHD people as well as some what things work for some folks. Dave also includes the new treatments.

I love that he speaks of treatment rather than a cure. It makes no sense to me to try and " cure"  rather than treat it, especially when such good and helpful treatment exists.  

The big message in this module follows the thinking that it is helpful and works best for the ADHD child,  when a number of treatments are used together rather than just one. Dave emphasises the point that there is no cure and / or no magic one treatment that "fixes" everything for the child. I think this is spot on. 

Our ADHD children both take medication to manage their impulsivity and then, especially the one, uses excercise and sport as a great way to help him manage his restlessness and energy levels. We have used OT. Pragmatic life style and family involvment are really key for us. How we ALL interact with the child when he struggles with his ADHD is so important. 

The effective managment system includes the following......

1. medication

2. exercises

3. coaching

4. focus on the persons strengths

5. track record of success

6.OT - sensory imput lessening

7. pragmatic life style - diet / sleep

8. family involvment

The module goes into depth on each of these points of a whole treatment of a child who is ADHD.

The indepth information on each of these is very helpful and informative. It really gets one thinking. I was challeneged by the sensory imput section.  Our ADHD children both have hectic sensory issues and struggle with clothing, teeth, food , noise, large groups etc.

Do ADHD people ALL have low self esteem as Dave suggests? Another thought provoking point. 

I was pleased to see that Dave called ADHD a family affair. I have always called us an ADHD family. ADHD does effect ALL of us and including the broader family. They do not always understand the ADHD child and react in strange and unhelpful ways towards them. It is extrmemely helpful having the extended family on the same page.

Excercise - not all types of excercise help ADHD children. Dave gives a very helpful list  to choose from.

Team sport might not be successful all ADHD children. We have found that hockey, squash and tennis have been winners for our teen but for out younger child, we are still trying to discover the sport that speaks to him. The tricky thing is the waiting and being bored in learning of a sport that needs to be negotiated!!

Thanks for a very helpful module!!

Why?

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Why?

There are days when the cry of my heart is 

why?

The why of life ..

it just is.

Today again I asked the question 

while out walking

with our crazy, nearly new, sweet 

Rosie dog.

she zigged and zagged and tripped me up

her nose was here and there and everywhere

her fear of all things new

her dog antenna on high alert

while walking I happened upon a moment

a moment in time that begs the question 

why?

 from quite the oppostie side of life

came a homeless man.

he stopped by a tree 

our meeting was not amicable

it was full of lust and sex

why?

I found the feminist in me rising up and out

Why is it that men think women want to experience their nether regions?

what is it that makes a man think he can just expose that of himself to 

just any woman

to me?

why would , just any woman want to see that part of you?

Why?

Why do women have to carry such heavy loads?

Xenophobia - real lives , real people

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Today I spoke to X. He works at our one of our local shopping centres. he is a teacher by profession but in South Africa, he is a car guard. He has left his country of Burundi and come to "find a better life" in our country. He asked me to pray for the xenophobia. We chatted and my empty words hung in the air as he told me some of his story. 

Meet X - the man who works in our garden. He is a young Malawian. Malawi is the poorest country in Africa. He has come, with his wife to find a better life. He has a child at home in Malawi and his wife has just given birth to a baby boy. I asked him how he was. He replied that he is scared. 

Honestly , I am afraid for him too. The queues of people leaving SA back to Zimbabwe and Mozambique are further pictures of people who are afraid. 

In the news today. 7 people dead in the current wave of violence against foreigners in our country.

Our shame!!

# say not to xenophobia

# we are one

The power of our words and the death of 5 foreigners, our shame.

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Yesterday, once again, I feel the shame of being a South African.

I heard the news throughout the day in which we were privy to the encouraging words from our president, Jacob Zuma, who in a speech this past weekend, strongly asked for young South African graduates, to not leave SA but rather to remain here and to " give back". While I think this is a great encouragement, his very encouragement involved the word patriotism. He spoke very clearly about us being patriotic and therefore, making life decisions that will include building our country. 

On the surface of things I think that these sorts of encouragements are not far of the mark.

However, the irony was stark because on the very same day that we, the public were given insight into our presidents ideas on patriotism, Kwazulu Natal erupted into violent attack and chaos. This very unpatriotic, shameful behaviour that does not build but destroys.

I grew up in Johnnesburg in Gauteng and my grandparents lived for the last part of their lives, in Durban. We spent many holidays sharing Durban beachfront and all the fun Durbanish activities. My memories of those holidays are really beautiful.

I, therefore , have a very clear picture of the city, the streets, the area around Point Rd where people decided to brutalise one another yesterday.

My heart aches today.

5 people have died since King Goodwell Zwelithini gave us his speech where he strongly encouraged all foreigners in Durban to return to their countries. He has since backtracked and said he was quoted out of context. Be that as it may, his words have struck a match underneath the waiting box of anger, resentment and hatred towards foreigners in our country. 

Who are these foreigners?

These are Zimbabweans, Malawians, Nigerians, Somalians and the like. People from Africa.

Need I say, fellow Africans.

During Apartheid, when our leaders of the ANC and the other liberation organisations looked outside of our borders for help, exile, assistance, we did not have very far to look. African countries were more than willing to lend a hand. 

The irony of this is that at a time in our modern day history, when statues are being destroyed and vandalised, we really are reminded that history and the telling of it matters. I say this because it would seem to me that many young black South Africans have either forgotten our past helpers or simply do not know. I guess a third option is that they might not care. 

And so the fire of xenophobic violence has once again been ignited in our beloved country. It is burning like the fires that destroyed the Cape Mountains a few weeks ago. Hatred is alive and well in the hearts of fellow man and 5 people are dead because of it.  

I am reminded of the verses in the bible .

 And God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

These true words from the bible remind us that all people are precious to God because he made them. Precious people, made to carry his very likeness, his image. We are to be living breathing God representatives on earth. 

I pray that in our shame God might forgive us. That we would turn to him and find forgiveness and find purpose in this life as individual South Africans and as a nation. I pray for revival and for people, men and omen to speak a word of reason in all this chaos.  Father will you restore calm and peace but more than that bring real peace between  all South Africans. Help us who are called by your name, to be the salt and light ; the peacemakers .
At Escom today, where SA workers are striking because they want foreigners to be fired..... in the city streets of beautiful Durban... across our land. Father will you move by your spirit and through your true word. Help reason and truth to rule our hearts and replace anger, bitterness , vengeance and hatred with your forgiving love for one another.

Rhodes- the statue that divided a nation?

History. 

A romantic word.

And yet these past weeks in South Africa, we have experienced a plethora of emotions and actions that have been devoid of any romantic notions .

History!

 Who does it belong to?

I suspect it belongs to us all.

In the South African context we all have a part in our history. A link to someone or someplace that forms a part of who we are; of our life experience; our heritage. 

Depending on our world view, we will hold the narrative of our countries history either tightly or rather loosely.

History is one of those realities that afford us a precious window to look back and to learn. There is much to learn from our humanity or lack thereof. History , surely helps us and points us in a direction that is better than the past ?

In an ideal world perhaps.

Man is broken and sinful and stubborn. We seem not to want to learn and grow.

I found myself in a crisis of sorts this week. I have listened and read the debates on both sides all through the past few weeks. What should we do with the statues of the past men who represent our sad and broken history? My thoughts have jumped around and I have not been able to really settle on a good solution for myself. 

 Standing in our local Woolies two women struck up a loud conversation about The Rhodes Statue being removed from UCT. I could not but hear what they had to say. I found myself asking " what is it that I really think?"

On the one hand I hear that some of these statues are reminders of our painful past and represent if not celebrate the pain inflicted by Apartheid. They are an offense. I really do hear this. 

But, on the other hand I do not like destruction and chaos and so reject the way that some are attacking statues around our country.

I often think about history in its time. Does that make sense. We will be judged with the moral lens of the future and it is like that with history. We judge the people of the past with the moral lens and place that we in the future have. 

But they lived in their time.

That of course does not justify racism or the many atrocities that history has shared with us.

It simply helps me remember that they lived in a different time. 

I wonder if people feel that they have no voice in the new SA. Are these destructive actions a way of people  really being heard? I wonder if our sad and sorry attempts to created a non racial society have failed and this is an expression of that. Of course individuals have managed to bridge gaps and divides in extraordinary and beautiful ways, but as a nation are we still divided and is racism still alive and well?

Last night over dinner with friends, we touched on this topic. I thought that given our ability to come up with good, inventive, creative solutions to problems. it seems a tragedy that we, as a nation, can not come up with something good that can be done with something painful. 

This is an opportunity to build and unify rather than break down and further divide and already divided nation.

Collective ideas bring creative solutions to problems all the time. 

Sadly, I fear, we will opt for less of a dialogue and unifying approach and adopt more of the destruction and shouting approach. Through all the noise we can not hear one another.

The voices of a few clutter the thoughts and actions of the many.

I pray that these divisive actions of the few really lead to good dialogue for the many and more than that, that we, the people of SA. restrain ourselves and fight the urge to let this all slide into racism and rhetoric.

A very sad time in our new democracy.

Lord have mercy!!

LADD - Living the adventure with co-occuring Conditions- Parenting modue 3

http://www.ggznieuws.nl/home/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/adhd11.jpg

One of my favourite things to do, in all the world, is to spend time cooking a delicious meal for friends. This enjoying time , set aside, offords me some thinking time. Thinking helps me to refuel my body with some energy and that energy led me to write this third blog post on ADHD.

I am presently enjoying an online parenting course .

http://www.livingaddventure.com/

Check it out for more information.

I hope to be doing the course some justice in writting these posts.

I am adding to the puzzle that is ADHD both for myself and for the other parents who I come in contact with. If you have been reading these posts, you will already know that I am a mother of four children- four sons to be exact. Doug is my husband and together we parent and love them . Of the four children, two are ADHD. The second one and the last one. One is 13 years old and se a teenager and the other is 9 and in grade 3. All of our children attend govenment schools in Cape Town, South Africa.

My husband is ADHD but was only diagnosed as an adult.

I have a teaching background and tutor children from home as well as run an art studio for children and beginner adults. Like many mothers today, I am a very busy mom. Adhd has added that dimention to our lives that brings with it the bright and beautiful and the grey and grumpy.

I have decided, from the very beginning, to upskill myself in all things ADHD. I guess I was motivated by my husbands bad and very sad childhood experiences of being an undiagnosed ADHD child who was and is supper bright but was just left to drown.

I always described him as a flower that had not yet flowered.

The joy of understanding ADHD is the joy that it gives to the ADHD person being able to understand his or her brain and therefore behaviour. Their is room for growth and change..... but I am going off topic.:)

This module is all about the co-occuring conditions that seem to belong with ADHD. These are the conditions that are found alongside ADHD but are not actually the ADHD. All ADHD people will have one or more of these.

Dave Pugh-Parry outlines these clearly.

The disruptive behaviour disorders

ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder (ODD) and conduct disorder (CD)

there are a lot of overlapping behaviours of these three disorders but Dave helpfully outlines how we can notice the differences between the 3.

Mood disorders

These include ; bi-polar, unipolar disorder.

ADHD and bi-polar are different disorders and few ADHD people are bi-polar.
ADHD children CAN suffer from depression and adults with ADHD have a greater chance of struggling depression- up to 47%.

ADHD brings with it emotions that can range from frustration, irritability, bad moods , crying and anger.  These facts are based on research . Those of us who live with ADHD people know the truth that is expressed in this description of mood.

Anxiety disorders

30% of ADHD children struggle with anxiety and this increases with adults however I agree with Dave that doctors concurre that most ADHD people experience anxiety , not as a disorder, but rather as the constant worrying. I do so wish that our teachers really grasped this with the ADHD children that they deal with:(

Tics and Tourettes

Dave deals with these- ADHD children can have a tic of sorsts like throat clearing and blinking.

Learning Disorders

50% of ADHD children have learning disorders.

The learning disorder is not neccesarily treated with medication but needs the help that professionals can give. I have a very dear friend who has an ADHD son. He has auditory processing struggles. I really salute this friend as a mother who has supported and encouraged her son with the right kinds of help. This comes at great cost , both financial and time and energy but her love and encouragement of him has been trully worthy of salute!!!

In my tutoring I come across many ADHD children who struggle with reading or reading too quickly. I agree with Dave RE his view of reading and ADHD and he really has helped me understand and hopefully help some of these children.

Information and understanding really does open up a world to struggling children.

Thank you again for a helpful module.